Okay, I had a best friend. I loved her just...so, so much. I had NO sexual feelings for her. In fact, I think that even with NO physical desire, you can still sort of have a physical orientation, because while I'm repelled by the idea of « Chicken Hugging » with ANYONE, it's only thinking of it with girls that I get the outright heebie-jeebies. With guys it's just...yuck, no thanks. It doesn't raise goosebumps of ick.
However, the ONLY people outside of my family that I've ever really loved have been female. I think it's just easier for me to be emotionally close to women. (Contrarily, I think it's probably easier for me to be physically close to men, except that I don't want to be physically close to ANYONE, except when I need a hug, and my sisters or my mom will do nicely if I need one of those, they're all cute squeezable pumpkins.)
I'm explaining that part just to clarify that really, NOTHING of that sort of physical. Not just 'no thanks', but 'hell, no'.
So, my best friend. We were side by side, all through high school, and we lived together in college. Afterward, I moved from my town to the city, just so that I could be nearer to her, who was trying to get a career going, when meanwhile, I've never put any value in career so I had always been perfectly happy where I was. (I didn't tell anyone that's why I did it...because it's not like I wanted to marry her in any traditional way and no one would have really understood me, would they? They would have thought I was a lesbian, and I'm not okay with being misunderstood as lusting after a woman, no matter who it is...and it's funny, but I bet that to this day, no one knows that's why I decided to move of my lifelong hometown. It felt so obvious to me that if she was there, I was supposed to be there, too.) I just...wanted to spend all my time around her. And I wanted to do stuff for her. I wanted to be able to stick a bouquet on her front door when I knew she'd been having a bad day, like I did once when we were college and it just cheered her up so much that I felt like my existence had a purpose. Or go with her and find clothes that looked good on her and spend a day helping her replace the clothes she lost in the fire, so that we could pull a fun day/memory out of that awful accident. Making her feel loved/secure/happy was...what adjective do I even use? It was the best feeling.
Well, anyway. She is NOT asexual. And she dated. And eventually, she got married. I helped her boyfriend set up his proposal to her, I threw her bachelorette, I did much of the setting-up of the bridal shower, and I dealt with the insane in-law situation on the week of the wedding that traumatized all of us. I drove the getaway car for my friend and her hubby-to-be.
It's not like I wasn't jealous. Any time I first heard she was genuinely into someone, I got a pang. An 'oh, no!' feeling. I didn't WANT that person to come into her life, because it meant she wouldn't be MY person any more. It would mean she'd become his, and my importance in her life would shrink. I hated it. But it was the situation I hated, not really the men. I never had a bad relationship with any of her friends or boyfriends, because I knew it wasn't my business to show feelings like that, because she loved me, but she was waiting for a married life, and children, and things that I had no interest in. I would have been willing to raise kids with her, surprisingly, but how would THAT have worked? She was physical, too, and I wasn't. It just wasn't possible for me to be the one she chose, to be her one best person throughout our lives. I knew that, and knew I had to just take what I could get. I had to just be her best friend, even though that title felt so inadequate and unprotected. It would be lost when the more important one came along and I'd just have to be supportive and pass her on.
Which I did. And I gave her presents for her babies, because her babies became the most important thing to her and the best thing I could possibly do for her, then, was to do something for them. But I was years out of the picture already, when the first one came along. Because that's how it goes.
Oh, this spilled milk. But we're not allowed to cry over spilt milk, I hear. Then let's just suck it up and move on. (Not the milk. Leave the milk where it was spilled. Sucking it up would be gross.)
I wonder if blabbering all of that helps anyone understand what I want to see. I want to be able to choose a digital person that will chose ME (my little avatar that lets me experience fantasy situations that I can't, IRL) to be their most important person, forever. The one who goes to the hospital with them, gets the call first, organizes the party that they don't actually want to go to (I hate parties), buys the flowers, hears the secrets, pats the back, gives the best hugs, sees the bedhead, finds the lost earrings.
WHY does it have to be exclusive? Well...it doesn't. Physically. I don't feel any need to control what she does with her body. If she (or he) is safe and happy, then sure, go ahead and have a physical relationship with someone else. But emotionally, YES, I want exclusivity. Only I get to be that most important person. You can guess how well that works, I bet! Exclusivity becomes a requirement, because otherwise, the other person's center of gravity will shift, and I'll be the one pushed out of orbit.
Bye-bye, me...enjoy your solo float through space.
Well, and so I do. I like being alone. Good thing, right?
But even in a game, there's no wish-fulfilment for me, huh? I'm not allowed to want something so weird as to just be the most important person in the world to one person, without ever having to sleep with them. I have to either want a traditional relationship, a LTBQ relationship, or NO relationship. Gaming knows no other options.
This is what I mean, when I say that I'd like to see more options in marriage. I don't need to call it marriage at all, that just happens to be what people immediately understand, for a dedicated relationship not meant to be supplanted by anyone else.
