*
Quick Forward
by Dais

	Great stuff. All I basically have to say is not to be too mean about 
	underTakr's writing. It's great. Hey, I have to go over mine a million 
	times. And besides, the spelling 'ghasp' is pretty damn cool. For your 
	explanation, the Mengsk/Kerrigan bit is from Starcraft, KillrJoe is 
	underTakr's alter ego, and Albert...you don't want to know about Albert. 
	I created him. That's enough on the subject.
*


underTakr's Turruhnigmuh
	
	Scene: Ark is returning from Zue. His body is beaten up badly. But he 
	is happy that he has resurrected the animals. He returns to the animal 
	sanctuary.

Ark: *Whew*... That was rough. I finally fought a modestly difficult boss. Now 
     I have resurrected the mighty hordes of friendly animals!
Bird: Actually, you only resurrected a total of 1 Giraffe, a hippo, a bird, some 
      weird thing called a Llama, and 7 lions.
Ark: Huh?
Bird: Thats right. All that work has been completely wasted.
Ark:What a gyp! This sucks.
Monkey: Well, actually, according to my charts, you shouldn't have evolved by 
        now anyway. You're a freak of nature.
Ark: Quiet you!  -Whacks Monkey on head with big stick-
Monkey: *GURGLE!* (drowns in pool of its own blood.)
Bird: Why did you do that! I thought you were trying to save the animals!
Ark: Tough luck.
Big Censor Guy: Ark, you would know better then to harm innocent monkeys.
Ark: Who the hell are you?
Big Censor Guy: <===
Ark: How did you do that???
BCG: I'm the Big censor guy. I warn you when you do anything Vulgar or Violent.
(Ark taps foot) 
BCG: So far, your 'NAUGHTYNAUGHTYNAUGHTY' meter has reached 179545 occurrences.
Ark: This is outrageous! To think that those damn Enix fellows have been spying 
     me this whole time.
NAUGHTYNAUGHTYNAUGHTY: *DING!* I-Now-Read- '179546'
BCG: Ark, I really think you should enlist in some kind of adventure game. In 
     fact, we already have everything lined up for you.
NNN: Yes! It's called- 'Big fat man hiding in the corner saying "DIE! DIE! DIE!"'
BCG: Think of the ratings! Everyone is sympathetic to Big Fat Men!
Ark: This is my game! Get the HELL off of it! UNDERTAKR!
Undertakr: Huh? Wha?
NNN: *DING!*
Ark: undertakr, these guys are trying to take over my show!
BCG: Hello, fine citizen! As a censor, it is my duty to hide you from reality. 
     Will you please hide in the corner with your hands on your ears and your 
     eyes closed?
UnderTakr: I will not allow semi-sorta-not-really mainstream games be Nice-tized 
           by you freaks! 
Ark: Yea! Go get em!
(Undertakr takes out shovel)
NNN: This is irrelevant. Abort the system.
(Pats shovel lovingly)
Undertakr: SHOVEL HEAD SLAM BANGER MOVE!
(Whacks BCG over head with shovel. Falls to ground unconscious.)
NNN: *DING! DING! DING DING!* THE PLAN HAS FAILED! ABORT! HIDE!
(Whacks NNN over head with shovel)
(Pool of blood spreads. Monkey, BCG, NNN lie dead in it.)
Invisible Crowd: YEA!!!!! WOHOOOO! BLOOD! BLOOD!
UT: I guess my work here is done.
Ark: Thank you, masked man!
UT: I'm not wearing a mask.
Ark: Who the hell cares?
UT: Nevermind.  (UT rides of into sunset.)
Ark: There goes the kindest man that ever-
UT: AAAAAAUGH! IT BURNS! SUN HOT! BURNS! AAAAAUGH!
(UnderTakr is toasted!)
Ark: Hey! Thats my line!
Invisible crowd: OooooooooooooooH! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
(UnderTakr falls to ground, a pile of ashes.)
Ark: umm.... nevermind. What do i do now?
Hippo: Don't go into that cave! There are lions in there!
Ark: But there isn't anywhere else to go!
Hippo: NO! DON'T!
(Ark steps into cave- no lights. Red eyes are in the cave.)
Ark: DEAR GOD! FORGET THE LIONS! THE EVIL RED EYES ARE GOING TO KILL US ALL!
Evil red eyes1: Lets eat him!
Evil red eyes2: Yea! Thats what they are there for!
Evil red eyes3: All other animals were put onto our planet to be food for us!
Ark: EGOCENTRIC BASTARDS!
Evil red eyes1: Lets not eat him!
Evil red eyes2: Yes! We will accept him into our kingdom!
Evil red eyes3: Why are you saying that?? We're supposed to eat-
(Loud munching sounds)
(NNN raises bell for last time. It resounds with a frightening.... *DING!* 
 Final ghasp. Death.)
Evil red eyes3: AAAAUGH!
(Lights turn on. Bunch of lions in cave.) 
Ark: What? They're barely bigger then me! And I got a big pole! And how the hell 
     did the lights turn on?
Lion1: All friends of us see lights.
Ark: It doesn't make sense.
Lion2: It's not supposed to.
Ark: Nevermind.
(Goes down to lion den.)
Neo: Our son is very headstrong! He went to the canyon! Save him!
Ark: Why the hell should i care about your son?
ladyLionWifeWhoUnderTakrCantRememberTheNameFor: He will succeed the kingdom. Our
        friends reported there are MONSTERS there!
Ark: Your all lions! Why don't YOU go there?
ladyLionWifeWhoUnderTakrCantRememberTheNameFor: GRRRRRR!
Neo: GRRRRR!
Ark: OK! OK! But this doesn't have anything to do with the plot in general...
ladyLionWifeWhoUnderTakrCantRememberTheNameFor: GRRRRRR!
Neo: GRRRRRRR
Ark: GOING!
ladyLionWifeWhoUnderTakrCantRememberTheNameFor: He will save our son!
(Ark leaves)
Neo: Good! He won't make it out of there alive...! MUAHAHA!
ladyLionWifeWhoUnderTakrCantRememberTheNameFor: MUHAHAHAHAHA!!

*****
Kerrigan: Where'd you get this armada? Been raiding the salvage dumps again?
Mengsk: You know, Kerrigan, after you killed everybody, you would be quite 
        surprised to see how many special action groups in the sector want to 
        see you dead.
Kerrigan: Well, that doesn't matter. I'm pretty much the queen bitch of the 
          Universe.
Undertakr: Why the hell do I have to fight on HER side?
***
UnderTakr: Power overwhelming
UnderTakr: operation cwal
Undertakr: Show me the money
Undertakr: Show me the money
Undertakr: Show me the money
Undertakr: Show me the money

***
{Undertakr views extravagant 4 minute cinematic sequence.}
UnderTakr: Oohhhh, how exciting.
{Infested Terran with a bomb on his back jumps at a bunker full of civilians. 
 Things blow up.}
UnderTakr: Interesting, but boring. 

***
{Znes 800 powers up.}

{Ark goes down a rope into the canyon.}
Ark: Hmf. Now, I have to find some cub...
Liem: Hey, big guy! 
Ark: ACK! HELP! {Pulls out big stick}
Liem: Every lion has to prove himself in this canyon.
Ark: Oh, it's you. 
{Bird dives down on Ark. Ark smacks bird.}
Liem: I will be brave and fight off the enemies.
{Liem walks by another bird.}
Ark: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
{Bird hits Liem for 2 points of damage.}
Liem: Protect me, big guy!
Ark: Why? It's your test!
Liem: ...   ....    ....    ....   .....
Ark: What? It looks like he's possessed....
Leim: If tests were this fun, I'd take one every day!
Ark: But you didnt answer my question!!!!!
WAIT! COME BACK!

***

Liem: Wow, it looks like a maze, big guy!
Ark: Not really, I can see the way to the end from here. NO wait, thats a dead 
     end you dolt!
{Liem walks five steps up, hits wall with head. Sits there.}
Ark: Umm, hey! Come back here. ... ... ok, I'll talk to you!
Liem: Looks like a dead end, big guy.
Ark: No, looks more like a wall.
Liem: Better double back.
Ark: Yeesh.
{Fight way through maze.}
{Some quotes from their little adventure...}

***
Liem: You can't read minds. You were just guessing!
Ark: No crap.

***

Liem: If tests were this fun, I'd do one every day!
Ark: This isn't fun.

***

Liem: Wow! Your pretty strong! Let me see you fight!
Ark: Why don't you fight for yourself, weakling.
{Liem grips onto Ark with claws.}
Ark: Aww, damn.

***

Liem: If tests were this fun, I'd do one every day!
Ark: You're on drugs.

***

Liem: If tests were this fun, I'd do one every day!
Ark: HE'S A BROKEN RECORD! Damnit! I'll FIX YOU! 
{Ark turns on Liem. Smashes stick into Liem's face.}
Liem, {unnoticing}: Big. Guy. Big. Guy. Wrong. Bad. Big guy. Fun.
{Liem Bursts into flames.}
Ark: What the hell???!!!???
(Pause)
{Flames continue burning.}

{Flames stop. A faint speck of metallic silver comes in.}

Ark: OH MY GOD! ITS... ITS... ITS...
Liem: I am Cyborg-198-yt5…. Codename, Terminator Liem. My mission is to really 
      really really really Piss you off, and attempt to destroy. Destroy. 
      Destroy you.
Ark: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Liem: If tests were this fun, I'd do one every day!
{Ark begins whacking madly at Liem with stick. Liem grabs his stick, breaks it 
 in two with his jaws.}
Ark: Damnit, he's TOO STRONG.
Terminator Liem: Resistance is futile, big guy.
Ark: AAAAAAAUGGH!!!
{Ark runs into the shadows and hides.}

***

{Terminator Liem is walking through the canyon, stalking.}
Terminator Liem: I know you're out there, Big guy! I just wanna play!
{Ark is hiding behind nearby rock, ghasping for air.}
Terminator Liem: THERE YOU ARE BIG GUY! I LOVE TESTS! GRRRRR!!!!!! I'LL EAT YOU!
Ark: AAAAAUGH!
{Ark runs away in terror.}
Terminator Liem: You can run, but you can't hide, Big Guy!

***

{Ark runs blindly through the canyon. Suddenly, he happens upon, a MUD DOLL!}
MudDoll: Hey Ark! You're really late! Are you stuck at that stupid bridge where 
         you have to walk close to-
Ark: LIEM IS A TERMINATOR! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!!!!
MD: What the hell?
NNN: Ding!
{NNN vanishes in a puff of smoke}
MD: Then we'd better join forces to defeat him. I'll chuck my stupid mud at him,
    which can be easily blocked by you but which he obviously has no defense for    .
Ark: HERE HE COMES!
Terminator Liem: HAVE FUN BIG GUY!
{MD shoots a stream of mud at the metal lion. The lion short-circuits, and falls
 over, sparking.}
Terminator Liem: BIG! GUY! BIG! GUY!
{Huge explosion. Gears, circuits, levers, and pulleys fly everywhere. Liem is gone.}
Mud doll: Congrats, Eddie!
Ark: Uh....?
MD: You have defeated the canyon, Ark! But your name really isnt Ark, its Eddie. 
    Eddie Bulwinkle. You're from Fairtown, Pennsylvania. This is all a simulation. 
    The actors, flying bubbles, Crysta, the towers, it was as a test in human 
    Psychology. Now that the test is done, it's time to go home, Eddie.
Ark: {Blank stare}
MD: Just kidding!
{MD drops Ark in a hole in the canyon.}
MD: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Ark: This is most insulting.
{MD disappears}

***

Ark: ... ... ...
Ark: ... ... ...
Ark: ... ... ...
{Long pause}
Ark: WHAT CAN I DO??? I KILLED LIEM!
{Long pause}

***

{Ark begins doing jumping jacks.}
Ark: Hey everybody! Lets go! One! Two! Three! Four! Five!---
UnderTakr: Man, his 'idle Ark' stuff gets pretty weird after an hour...

***


{UnderTakr stares blankly at screen with the tilde key held down}
UnderTakr: I don't think anybody's coming for him... this sucks.
{Big flash of light comes from screen. Undertakr falls backwards off his 
 chair.}
Undertakr: WHA?
{Another character has appeared in the canyon with Ark}
Ark: Who... are you?
Mysterious figure: Hey dude! Do you have any pizza down here?
Ark: What?
MF: Just kidding! My names Leonardo! I've come here on the bidding of the high 
    lord Cherubae to rescue you!
{Three more figures drop down}
Donatello: I'm Donatello!
Raphael: I'm Raphael!
Michelangelo: I'm Michelangelo!
All: We're the TMNT!
Leonardo: As we said, The God Who Sees All And Who Knows All Mighty Be Her Name 
          Cherubae has seen your plea. We have been sent to get you back onto 
          Eklemanta.
Ark: Whats that? 
TMNT: Its a mountain that you will go to and kill things even though you 
      can't find any discernible reason to go there!
Ark: (Blank stare)... You're expecting me to believe that four baby turtles 
     flushed down a toilet end up in the sewer, just happen to find 
     radioactive ooze, grow to super size, are taught ninja skills by a giant 
     rat, and have been enlisted by Cherubae to find a character in a not 
     well known video game emulated by a third party and your IN the game?
TMNT: Yep.
Ark: (Blank stare)
UnderTakr: This is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.
NNN: Ding!
KillrJoe: Ouch! Thats GOTTA hurt!
Albert: My name is ALLLLLLLLLLLBERT!
Killrjoe: Who the hell are you??
{Killrjoe continues to beat the stuffings out of ALLLLLLLLLLBERT.}
TMNT: Just click the remnants of your rod five times and you'll be as good as 
      new!
Ark: AAAAAAAAUGH!! ITS ALL LIKE A BAD DREAM!

(Everything fades away...)
***

Ark: Wha... Where am I?
{Everything is white}
Kefka: The end comes... beyond Chaos.
{Big weird monster head appears, then disappears. Screen flashes different 
 colors}
Ark: I'M TIRED OF OF THIS WEIRDNESS! I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYTHING!
LET GOD SORT EM OUT!
{Starts stabbing Kefka and the other characters madly}
Ark: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
{Everyone falls over in a pool of blood.}

(Everything fades to white)

***

Doctor: He's even worse then we thought.
KillrJoe: Tsk Tsk Tsk...
UnderTakr. Yeesh. I call up Cherubae to help him and he goes crazy.
{Ark opens his eyes. He's tied to table. He's in a room covered with pillows.}
Ark: Ohh, I have a headache.
Doctor: You're awake! I was afraid you'd gone completely crazy.
Ark: Uuhhgh.
Cherubae: Man, this guy has been exposed to way too much fanfic craziness. We 
          need to start him over again.
Ark: Whats going on?
Doctor: You killed Kefka, all the characters from FF3/6, killed your nemesis, 
        Will, from Illusion of Gaia, wiped out the FF2/4 landscape, destroyed 
        the original Soulblazer gods, and for good luck, you killed Mario for 
        his involvement in the Super Mario RPG.
Ark: I don't remember anything... 
UnderTakr: Good. That means you wont have any suicidal tendencies.
Doctor: Or homicidal.
Donatello: TMNT FOREVER!
Albert: Quiet. Don't make it any harder for him.
NNN: Ding!
Michelangelo: Quiet! Kung foo action! NOW!
Doctor: Don't confuse him!
Ark: AAAAAAAAUGH!

{Fades to white}

***
{Everything is white. Suddenly, a solitary figure emerges in the blackness}
Ark: I'm... I'm... totally crazy, aren't I?
Solitary figure: I will help you. I'm going to restart the game and keep all of 
                 those crazy people out of it.
Ark: Whats happening?
SF: UnderTakr turned the game off. I'm going to restart you.
Ark: I'm so confused... whats going on?
SF: You won't remember anything...
Ark: I hope so, I can't figure anything out. But... But... who are you?
SF: I... am Dais.

{Everything fades to white}

***

Strange voice: Wake Up, Ark!
Ark: Ugh, I had the strangest dream...
Elle: You chased the chickens into the weavers house again.
Ark: Whew.. I guess everything is normal...
Elle: What are you talking about?
Ark: Oh, nothing.

***

UnderTakr: Whats going on? ... .... Oh, man! It restarted! I'll have to do 
           everything again.
Dais: I did it for his sake.
underTakr: What? Where did you come from??
Dais: You were messing with his reality. I had to stop you.
UnderTakr: I was having a pretty damn fun time doing it too.
Dais: No more. You leave Ark alone. Mess with your own reality.
UnderTakr: I'll do that...
{Dais Vanishes}

UnderTakr: Now that was interesting.       AW man! I have to do the Canyon again!

***

END