Ark: Okay, how about this one. Let’s say you’re abducted by aliens.

Yomi: Fine.

Ark: They pull you in to their spaceship, and take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now, would you rather be in their zoo or their circus?

Yomi: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.

Ark: But in the circus you get to ride around on the train – see the whole planet.

Yomi: I’m wearing a stupid hat, I’m jumping through fire? They’re putting their little alien heads in my mouth?

(Ark shrugs)

Ark: At least it’s show business.

Yomi: In the zoo, they might put a woman in there with me to you know, get me to mate.

Ark: What if she has no interest in you?

Yomi: Well then I’m pretty much where I am right now. Except I got to take a ride in a spaceship.

Terranigma Freak: Yomi, why couldn’t I use the bathroom in that store?

Yomi: Terranigma Freak, trust me. This is the best bathroom in Loire.

(Terranigma Freak looks to Ark for help)

Ark: He knows.

Yomi: Turn in there, on the left. High ceilings, exquisite marble. And a flush like a jet engine. Whooosh!

Terranigma Freak: Listen, you’d better not wait. I’ll catch you later.

Yomi: You sure?

Ark: He knows.

(A receptionist enters)

Yomi: Wow. Nice.

Ark: Why don’t you try your story? You know, how you are the evolutionary beginning of every human thing? Also, the one you made up about being engaged to that woman?

(Yomi approaches her, but then slinks back in to the elevator)

Yomi: (Sadly) Won’t work.

Ark: Are you sure?

Yomi: He knows.

Elle: Look, Nark, I really like you…

(Nark looks pleased)

Elle: But, maybe we’d be better off just being friends.

Nark: Friends?

Elle: (Biting in to a sandwich) Yeah… oh God, This tuna tastes like an old sponge.

Nark: Friends? Yeah, why not Friends? I might like to try that! Like you and Ark!

(Elle looks surprised)

(We hear a toilet flushing)

Terranigma Freak: Woo!

(Terranigma Freak comes out of the toilet)

Office worker: (Pressing buttons on a copy machine) This damn thing is jammed again!

Terranigma Freak: You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on ‘em.

(Terranigma Freak taps some buttons then hits the machine repeatedly)

Office worker 2: Hey, Leland wants everyone in the conference room right now.

Office worker: (To Terranigma Freak) Come on, let’s go.

Terranigma Freak: Uh… yeah…

(Terranigma Freak goes in to the conference room)

Elle: You know I was telling you about Meilin, my friend who writes for the Freedom ‘Sexy Witches’ magazine? I really think you should give her a call.

Ark: I don’t know, do you have a…

(Elle gives Ark a picture of Meilin)

Ark: Not bad, but what does she…

Elle: I put her stats on the back.

Ark: Pretty impressive, serious boyfriend ’92 – ’95, owns her own car, favourite President James Polk.

Yomi: Huh. Let me see that.

(Ark gives Yomi the picture)

Ark: So how’d it go with Nark? Did you steel-toe his ass back to Neo-Tokio?

Elle: You are not going to believe this. I told him I just wanted to be friends – he’s fine with it. He really wants to be friends!

Ark: Why would anyone want a friend?

Elle: I don’t know. It’s really not that bad actually, he even said he’d go with me to the museum of miniatures. This is something you would never ever do.

Ark: All that stuff is so small. It’s stupid.

Yomi: You know, if I told my story to that receptionist, but told her this was my fiancée. (Points to picture of Meilin)

Ark: What?

Yomi: Don’t you see? Women like that are like members of a forbidden tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years. But with this, it’s like I’ve already been with one of her own. My hands been stamped, I come and go as I please!

Elle: Well you’ve cracked it. I warned the queen you were getting close, and now it looks like we’re gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city.

Yomi: Can I keep this?

Elle: No I need it.

Yomi: Thanks.

(Exit Yomi)

Yomi: Hi. I’m here to see a Mr. Perel.

Receptionist: I’m sorry, theirs is no Mr. Perel here.

(Yomi gets out his wallet)

Yomi: Well, let me just check and make sure I have the right name.

(Yomi makes the pictureof Meilin fall out next to the receptionist)

Receptionist: Oh, she’s beautiful. Who is she?

Yomi: Well if you must know, she was my fiancée Meilin, may she rest in peace.

Receptionist: I’m so sorry. She was lovely. I’m Amanda.

Yomi: I’m Yomi.

(Terranigma Freak and some business men come out of the side door)

Office worker 2: Good work today, T-Freak..

Terranigma Freak: Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.

Office worker 3: Who’s buying the drinks?

Terranigma Freak: I am.

Office worker 2: In that case make mine a double!

(They all go down in the elevator laughing. Yomi is mystified)

Woman: Ark?

Ark: Meilin, hi.

Meilin: It’s nice to meet you.

Ark: It’s nice to meet you!

(They shake hands, but Ark looks horrified)

Ark: She had man hands.

Elle: Man hands?

Ark: The hands of a man. She’s like a creature out of Greek mythology, she’s like part woman, part horrible beast.

Elle: Would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?

Ark: What would she have, hooks?

Elle: Do… do hooks make it more attractive, Ark?

Ark: Kinda cool looking.

Elle: Listen, you’re picking me up from White Plains, tomorrow, right.

Ark: Yeah.

Elle: I got five huge boxes of buts.

Ark: Right, well if you need an extra set of hands, I know where you can call…

Elle: Ark!

(Terranigma Freak is noisily cooking breakfast)

Ark: Terranigma Freak?

Terranigma Freak: Hey, buddy.

Ark: It’s eight o’ clock in the morning, what the hell’s going on?

Terranigma Freak: Breakfast. I gotta be at the Quintet building by nine.

Ark: Why?

Terranigma Freak: Because I’m working there, that’s why.

Ark: How long have I been asleep? What year is this?

Terranigma Freak: Look, Ark. I don’t know if you noticed, but lately I’ve been drifting aimlessly.

Ark: …now that you mention it.

Terranigma Freak: But I finally realised what’s missing in my life. Structure. And at Quintet I’m getting things done. And I love the people I’m working with.

Ark: How much are they paying you?

Terranigma Freak: No no no, I don’t want any pay. I’m doing this just for me.

Ark: Clearly. So, what do you do down there.

Terranigma Freak: TCB. You know, taking care of business. (Looks at watch) Well, I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you tonight. Ah, nearly forgot my briefcase.

Ark: What you got in there?

Terranigma Freak: Crackers.

Scene ten, Ark’s apartment

Ark: (On phone) So the picture worked. Amazing.

Yomi: Hey, she wants me to dress smart / casual. What… what is that?

Ark: I don’t know, but you don’t have it.

Yomi: Right, bye.

(Ark puts the phone down, and turns to see Elle)

Elle: Where were you today?

Ark: What?

Elle: Pick up!

Ark: …damn.

Elle: So, where were you?

Ark: Here I guess. I went out and picked up a paper.

Elle: I had to ask Nark to leave his office and come and pick me up.

Ark: What are friends for?

Elle: Yes, and he is a friend Ark. He’s reliable, he’s considerate. He’s like your exact opposite.

Ark: So he’s bizarro Ark.

Elle: Bizarro Ark?

Ark: Yeah, like bizarro Superman. Superman’s exact opposite who lives in the backward bizarro world. Up is down, down is up. He says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.

Elle: Shouldn’t he say badbye? Isn’t that the opposite of goodbye?

Ark: No, it’s still goodbye.

Elle: Does he live underwater?

Ark: No.

Elle: Is he black?

Ark: Just forget the whole thing, all right?

(Terranigma Freak enters)

Terranigma Freak: Wow, man. What a day. Could I use a drink.

Ark: Tough day at the office?

Terranigma Freak: Kept coming in, and that phone just wouldn’t stop.

Ark: Well, we better get going if we’re gonna go to that seven o’ clock cold fusion.

Terranigma Freak: Well count me out, I’m swimming in it. The man Leland is busting my hump over these reports. If I don’t get them done by nine, I’m toast!

(Terranigma Freak drinks his drink and goes to leave)

Terranigma Freak: Oh, and listen. Could you keep it down to a low roar? Some of us have to work.

Scene eleven, a fancy night club filled with models

Yomi: This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meatpacking plant.

Princess Elle: Hey! Amanda!

Amanda: These are my friends, Fyda, Princess Elle and Britney. We used to model together.

Yomi: Oh, modelling. What’s that like, fun?

(The models look unimpressed)

Yomi: (to himself) Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Amanda: So, Britney, how was Paris this time?

Britney: A bore.

Yomi: You know who used to love Paris, my dead fiancée Meilin. In fact I think I may have a picture here.

Britney Wow. She was beautiful. Do you want to dance?

(Yomi looks very pleased)

(Meilin rips open a piece of bread in a manly style. Ark is horrified)

Meilin: Would you like some bread, Ark?

Ark: No, no thanks. I’m just not hungry.

Meilin: Well, then at least drink your beer.

(She twists the top off and gives it to Ark)

Ark: …That’s how you… twist off.

Meilin: You have a little something on your face.

Ark: I can get it.

Meilin: No, no, you’re missing it. It’s higher.

(Meilin pokes at Ark’s face to get the thing off. Ark is still horrified)

Meilin: It’s an eyelash! Make a wish.

Ark: I don’t want to.

Meilin: Make a wish.

Ark: Oh okay.

(Ark shuts his eyes tight and blows the eyelash off Meilin’s hand. He slowly opens his eyes, and looks back at her hands)

Ark: Didn’t come true.

(The food arrives)

Meilin: Don’t you just love lobster?

(She rips open the lobster easily. Ark looks sickened)

Nark: That museum of miniatures was amazing!

Elle: It was so tiny!

Nark: Yeah! Hey guys. Elle, sit down. These are a couple of my friends. This is Dais. And this guy we just call TerraFreak.

(Elle looks at them closely. They look just like Yomi and Terranigma Freak)

Elle: The bizarro world…

Yomi: Ark, it was incredible. Models! As far as the eye could see!

Ark: Then it does exist!

Yomi: Yes, the legends are true.

Ark: So, when you going out with this girl again?

Yomi: I’m not. I’m inside the walls!

Ark: So you’re gonna burn that bridge.

Yomi: Flame on!

Ark: So, when are we going?

Yomi: Well… it’s a pretty fast paced crowd… what would you wear? That?

Ark: You know I’m the one who’s actually dating the woman in the picture!

Yomi: Yeah, but I was engaged to her.

Dais: I got it.

TerraFreak: You got it last time

Dais: Don’t worry about it.

(Dais leaves to pay)

Elle: This is just unbelievable.

TerraFreak: Say, Elle, what do you think of an alarm clock that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up?

Elle: Well, I gotta say, I think that is a fantastic idea, TerraFreak.

TerraFreak: Nah, I don’t. It’s not practical.

Nark: Well, see you later Elle. TerraFreak and I have gotta get down the library.

Elle: What are you gonna do there?

Nark: Read.

(Elle is about to say goodbye, but thinks better of it)

Elle: Hello!

Ark: So, uh… Meilin's coming over later. I’m gonna end it.

Terranigma Freak: (Reading paper) Uh-huh.

Ark: Those meaty paws. I feel like I’m dating George ‘the animal’ Steele.

Terranigma Freak: (Reading paper) Yeah.

Ark: Maybe I’ll chain her to the refrigerator and sell tickets.

Terranigma Freak: (Reading paper) That’s nice.

Ark: Terranigma Freak put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk!

Terranigma Freak: Well, we’re talking now!

Ark: I see you for twenty lousy minutes in the morning, and then when you come home at night, you’re always exhausted – we hardly ever do anything anymore!

Terranigma Freak: What are you starting with me for, you know this is my crazy time of year!

(Ark ponders this for a moment)

Ark: It’s your third day.

Terranigma Freak: I gotta go to work. We’ll talk about this later.

(Terranigma Freak leaves. Ark runs to the door)

Ark: Well, call if you’re gonna be late!

(Enter Elle)

Elle: What? What is going on with you two?

Ark: Oh, I don’t want to talk about it.

Elle: All right, listen, have you seen my address book? Ah, here it is. Okay, I got it. I’ll see you later.

Ark: Hey hey wait a second! Where you going? I hardly ever see you anymore.

Elle: Well, I… I guess I’ve been at Reggie’s.

Ark: The bizarro coffee shop?

Elle: Nark and his friends are nice people! They do good things, they read…

Ark: I read.

Elle: Books, Ark.

Ark: Oh. Big deal.

Elle: Look, I can’t spend the rest of my life coming in to this stinking apartment every ten minutes, to pour over the excruciating minutiae of every daily event.

Ark: Why not? Like yesterday, I went to the bank to make a deposit and the teller gives me this look, like…

Elle: I’ll see you later man, I gotta go.

(Elle leaves)

Ark: The whole system’s breaking down!

(Yomi is drying his hair)

(Yomi goes to answer it, but leaves the hairdryer on next to his picture of Meilin)

Yomi: (Off screen, on phone) Amanda, hi! Yeah, listen, I’m thinking, we might be better off just being friends. Yeah. You know I can’t even really talk about it right now. Bye bye.

(Yomi comes back and sees the photo on fire)

Yomi: No! No!

Meilin: Friends? Just friends?

Ark: Yeah.

Meilin: All right, do you still want to see a movie later?

Ark: I wish I could, but… we’re friends…

Meilin: (Nods) I’m just gonna go wash my hands.

Ark: Good idea. (After she’s left) There’s a beach towel on the rack.

Ark: (On phone) Yeah?

 Yomi: Ark! My hairdryer ruined the picture and now I need another one or I can’t get back in to the forbidden city!

Ark: (Bemused) Who is this?

Yomi: ARK! I need you to get another picture of man hands. I’m begging you!

Ark: If I get it for you will you take me to that club and show me a good time?

Yomi: Yes! Yes, all right, anything!

Ark: All right. (Puts phone down)

(Ark sneaks over to Meilin’s bag and finds a picture)

Ark: Got it!

(Just then, Meilin grabs Ark’s hand)

Ark: Ee! Ahh!

Terranigma Freak: (Opens the door, and it is completely dark) Ark? Hey Ark?

Ark: I’m right here.

(Terranigma Freak turns the light on to reveal Ark sitting alone with a plate of chicken on the table)

Ark: You’re late.

Terranigma Freak: Yeah, well, I got held up, you know? What happened to your hand?

Ark: (Looking at his bandaged hand) Like you care.

Terranigma Freak: Look, work piled up and I lost track of time.

Ark: Oh, sure, sure! You and your work! Elle’s off in the bizarro word, Yomi only calls when he wants something, and I am left here like this plate of cold chicken. Which, by the way… was for two.

Terranigma Freak: You cooked?

Ark: I ordered in, it’s still effort.

(Terranigma Freak clutches his stomach)

Ark: What’s wrong?

Terranigma Freak: It’s my stomach.

Ark: You’re probably getting an ulcer. This job is killing you! It’s killing us!

Terranigma Freak: You know what? You’re right. These reports, they can wait a couple of hours, what do you say we go out tonight, any place you want?

Ark: …the coffee shop?

Terranigma Freak: You got it buddy!

Ark: I’ll call Yomi!

Ark: Hey, isn’t that Elle

Yomi: Maybe she can give me another picture of man hands. Elle! Elle!

(Ark and Yomi start shouting for Elle, but the bizarro friends appear behind her)

Nark: Elle

TerraFreak: Hey, Elle!

(The two groups meet around Elle)

Elle: Ark, Yomi, Terranigma Freak… this is Nark, Dais and TerraFreak.

Ark: This is really weird.

Elle: (To the bizarro friends) Could you guys excuse us for a minute? (To the normal friend) What? What do you guys want

Yomi: Elle, I have got to have another picture of Meilin.

Ark: I tried to get him one, but man hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket!

Yomi: You could have got it!

Ark: I could not!

(Terranigma Freak moans and slugs a bottle of medicine. Elle looks over and sees the bizarro friends all giving money to a homeless man)

Elle: Guys… I gotta go. Take it easy.

Yomi: Elle! Can I come?

Elle: I’m sorry. We’ve already got a Yomi.

(Elle leaves with the bizarro friends)

Terranigma Freak: So what did you want to see me about, Mr. Sama

Sama: Terranigma Freak, I’ve been reviewing your work, and quite frankly it stinks.

Terranigna Freak: Well, I’ve been having trouble at home, and I… I mean I’ll work harder, nights, weekends… whatever it takes!

Sama: No, no I don’t think that’s going to do it. These reports you handed in… it’s almost as if you have no business training at all. I don’t really know what this is supposed to be.

Terranigma Freak: Well, I’m just trying to get ahead.

Sama: Well, I’m sorry. There’s just no way we can keep you on.

Terranigma Freak: I don’t even really work here.

Sama: That’s what makes this so difficult.

(Terranigma Freak looks confused)

Yomi: Hi, I’m Yomi.

Model: Are you sure you’re supposed to be here?

 Yomi: Oh yeah, I used to come here all the time with my fiancee back when this was a meatpacking plant. Here’s her picture.

Model: What did you do, cut this out of a magazine?

Yomi: What?

Model: That’s me - it’s from a M. Bulb advert I did.

Yomi: Well, look at that…

(A security guard grabs Yomi)

Guard: Let’s go. Private party.

(Elle rings the doorbell)

Elle: It’s Elle!

Nark: Hi Elle! (They hug)

Elle: Hi!

Nark: Come on in.

Elle: Hi Dais!

(Dais stands up, nods, then sits down again)

(Elle looks around and sees the apartment is the complete opposite of Ark’s)

Elle: What’s up?

Nark: Just reading.

(Elle goes to the fridge and gets some olives)

Nark: Hey what are you doing?

Elle: I’m eating olives.

Nark: Ever hear of asking?

(Doorbell rings, Nark and Dais look worried)

Nark: Who is it?

Voice: TerraFreak.

(Nark and Dais still look worried)

Voice: From across the hall.

(Nark and Dais look relieved, and Nark answers the door)

TerraFreak: Hi Nark!

Nark: Hi!

TerraFreak: Look who I ran into!

(A posh man steps in to view)

Posh: Hello, Nark.

Nark: Hello, Roy.

(They both look angry, then shake hands)

Nark: Want to catch a ball game this weekend?

Roy: Great! I’ll see you later!

Nark: …Roy!

TerraFreak:: Well… I got ‘em.

Nark: All right! Hey Elle! TerraFreak got us all tickets to the chicken races!. Fourth row centre.

Elle: Get out!

(Elle playfully pushes Nark, but he falls down hard. TerraFreak and Dais run to help him)

TerraFreak: What’s the matter with you?

Elle: Oh, Nark! I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do?

Dais: Haven’t you done enough already?

Elle: (Picking up her bag) I’ll just…

(She tries to unlock the door, but fails many times)

Elle: It’s locked!

(She continues trying to unlock the door)

Ark: So this is it, huh?

(Yomi walks in to a carcass and jumps away)

Yomi: It was here, I tell you, it was really here! There was a bar, and a dance floor.

Ark: I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone-schlaw? Let’s get out of here, Yomi.

(They both leave. On the way out, Yomi steps on a picture of a model)

Dais: At work today, I discovered there’s a payphone in the lobby that has free long distance.

Nark: Oh, so what did you do?

Dais: I called the phone company and immediately reported the error.

Nark: Nice.

(Doorbell rings. Nark and Dais look worried)

Nark: Who is it?

Voice: TerraFreak.

(Nark and Dais still look worried)

Voice: From across the hall.

(Nark and Dais look relieved, and Nark answers the door)

TerraFreak: Nark! I brought you some groceries.

Nark: What, again? You didn’t have to do that!

TerraFreak: Hey, what are friends for?

Nark: You know, I may not say this enough, but you two are about the best friends a guy could have.

(They all hug)

Nark: Me so happy. Me want to cry.