Episode 4: The Freaking

(In a large sewage pipe leading out onto a waterfall)

Ark: Cojiroooooo!!!!!!!!!

(Ark is running along being shot at by a man wearing black. Ark is holding a package)

Cojiro: (Speaks into transceiver) Yes?

Ark: What do I do? He's after me!

Cojiro: Gee, I don't know. Well, I'll see you later, pal.

Ark: WHAT'SGOING ON!

(Ark is now on the very edge of the pipe. There is a sheer drop right next to him.)

Ark: I didn't do anything.

Man with gun: Just step towards me slowly.

Ark: I didn't kill my wife!

Man: I don't care. Wait. Wait, you weren't being accused of that.

Ark: Oh right. Still, I didn't steal this package.

(Ark holds up the package)

Man: Rrrrrright. Just step towards me. Slowly.

(Ark turns around. He takes a deep breath and jumps off the pipe into the water)

Man: That's the second time that's happened to me!

(Ministry of Defence in London)

Cojiro: Right then, it's registration time. ZedPower!

Zed: (In girlie voice) Yes!

Cojiro: What… is ZedPower a girl?

(Silence)

Cojiro: Anyway… Jheind?

Jheind: (In girlie voice) Yes!

Cojiro: Huh… this is really weird…

(Silence)

Cojiro: BeamCauldron

BeamCauldron: (In girlie voice) Yes!

Cojiro: Well that's all in order then. Right… Ark! There you are!

Ark: Affirmative, leader. I have the package.

Cojiro: And what did you get me from America?

Ark: I will not dignify that with response.

Cojiro: Oh, come on! Did you get your friend Cojiro a present? Did you? Did wu get du likkle fwiend Cojiro a pwessie?

Ark: …no. Now, let's get to work. Cojiro! What's in this thing?

Cojiro: (suddenly, very serious) Now, this package could be trapped, so we'll have to… open it… slowly…. Ark!

(Ark has ripped it open)

Ark: What's this? (Ark throws something behind him. It explodes, killing several people)

Cojiro: Ark! You just killed… hey! They were international terrorists! Well done Ark! Oh no! You killed Meilin, too!

Ark: Yeah, great. Now, why did you send me all the way to America to pick up a package that contains a ticket to America?

Cojiro: Oh, I could have thought of that before I sent you. Anyway, we'd best go see Will to catch our plane.

Ark: Cojiro wait. I can recall 2 other occasions when we've taken Will's service which have had some kind of problem involved.

(Cojiro looks blank)

Ark: Remember? He tried to kill us? He yells at us every time?

(Cojiro looks blank)

Ark: Umm… Cojiro?

(Cojiro is completely stationary)

Ark: (Prods at Cojiro with a stick. Cojiro doesn't move an inch)

Ark: Oh dear.

(In Cojiro's house)

Ark: So, Cojiro, do we work for the ministry of defence, or what?

Cojiro: Nah, I just like to pop in and out.

Ark: Rrrrrrrright. Oh look! A letter with my name plastered all over it! Let's see what's inside… ah! It's my two tickets to be caretaker at the (room darkens) Oversight Hotel! (Room lights up). Sounds good, no?

Cojiro: Great! Who's the owner of the place?

Ark: Ah… A Mr. Terranigma Freak. Ring any bells with you.

(Cojiro shrugs)

Ark: Right, off we goes!

(Outside the Oversight)

Ark: Well, here it is! The (Sky darkens) Oversight Hotel! (Sky lights up).

Cojiro: (Looks up at the sky) yes… well… let's go in to our rooms.

Ark: Actually, I'm flat broke, so I thought I'd just stay in your room!

Cojiro: WHAT! THAT'S THE LAST STRAW! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!

Ark: What's that? Sorry, I wasn't listening.

Cojiro: Ahem. Let's go in.

(We see a mysterious man's hand. He is stroking a cat, and sitting in a big chair)

Mysterious man: Ha ha ha ha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Fools! They were the only one's who didn't read the national newspapers headlines yesterday. (He holds up a paper. It says, 'Total freak massacres computer game'. Don't go to the Oversight hotel') Ha! If fools will be fools, then Freaks will be Freaks! Mwahahahahahah!

(The cat he is stroking starts laughing.)

(At reception)

Receptionist: Hello, would you like a room?

Cojiro: Yes, please. One… umm… (Quietly) one person room. Can you throw this guy out please? (Points to Ark, who is trying to unwrap a sweet, but failing).

Receptionist: One two-person room then! Room 117. Here you go! RED RUM! RED RUM!

Cojiro: Sure, send some of that up, too. (Quietly) Crazy freak.

(Inside Ark and Cojiro's room)

Ark: It strikes me as downright strange that we are here to look after the hotel, yet we are still able to order room service. And why are there other people here? And what's with that weird tower just over there? (Ark points outside towards a tower which has a huge sign saying 'Terranigma Freak's place. Please observe local laws')

Cojiro: Meh. I'm sure that'll come into play… a little later. Hey… wait… where's my hat! My hat! MY HAT! I'LL KILL YOU!

Ark: Oh, I think that lady from downstairs took it. She said her name was a Mrs. Belinda Caution. So, you could… Cojiro? Cojiro?

(Cojiro has stormed out of the room)

Ark: Ohhh flipety wipety.

(Night time. In the hotel reception area)

Cojiro: Waughh! (He storms into the room. He is clearly drunk)

Cojiro: I trust this people! And then, she goes and steals my hat away. King of hats! Now… she probably put it in her locker. Keys… keys… keys… aha! Keys! Let's see how Mrs. Caution will feel when some of her own bananas go strangely missing… I probably don't mean bananas… Now… to unlock the locker! (He looks at the keys. It turns out he has picked up a roll of tape) Ha! No worry. I shall improvise shrewdly…

(He runs out of the room) (He runs back into the room and collides with the locker). Oh well! Nothing happened! Let me see…. Aha! (He gets some matches out of his…err… pocket) Right then… let's light this… and hey presto! (He slips the lit match in-between the ventilation holes in the locker. He walks off)

Cojiro: Bit of a giggle. (He turns around to see smoke pouring out of the locker)

(He stands, stunned for a while)

Cojiro: If it wasn't in fact slightly foolish… (He runs over to the locker) Nooo! Stop! Aha! (He runs over to the fish tank and fills a bucket with water)

Cojiro: Go out! Go out! (Looks around) This bird's gonna fly! Hynagh! (Jumps out of window)

(Ark and Cojiro's bedroom)

Ark: Ahhh… what a pleasant nights sleep… umm… Cojiro, what are you doing?

(Cojiro is upside down on top of the television)

Cojiro: Wurghhh. I did something horrible… what was it…?

Ark: …too many possible answers.

Cojiro: ! That's it! I destroyed Mrs. Caution's locker! Why did she steal my hat? Well, at least I didn't burn down the entire of the (room darkens)Oversight hotel(room lights up).

Ark: That's not strictly true. In fact, that's a slight oversight. (room darkens)

Cojiro+Ark: What?

(Room becomes incredibly light)

Ark: What?

(room sets on fire)

Ark: Rehrerhginghrering! Let us get out of here!

Cojiro: I'm with you!

(Ark and Cojiro run out of the building)

(In a mysterious place with a mysterious person sitting in a chair, stroking a cat)

Mystery Man: Fools! Now that the entire hotel has burnt down, they will have no-where to stay! The weather will kill them! Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahaha!

(The cat starts laughing)

Mystery Man: Quiet, you. Now, on to my… (Knock at the k-door)

Who is it?

People outside: It's the hotel people. Our hotel burnt down, and we were wondering if we could come and stay in your house.

Mystery man: B'oh! Who is out there?

Voices: Well, there's Ark, Cojiro, an armed guard, a penguin and a little girl who has lost her voice.

Mystery man: umm… only send in Ark and Cojiro. They sound the least annoying.

(Ark and Cojiro burst in)

Ark: Heeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeees Arkie!

Mystery man: What?

Ark: (seeing mystery man) The mystery man is in fact… Mahatma Ghandi!

Mystery man: What! What on Earth where you thinking? It's me… the incredible… amazing… master of all musicians… yes! Terranigma Freak!

Cojiro: Gasp! How have you been?

Terranigma Freak: Fine thanks, old Gojiro.

Cojiro: Grrrr!

Terranigma Freak: I'd like to invite you both to dinner. Of death!

Cojiro: Pardon, I missed that last bit.

Terranigma Freak: Oh, it wasn't important. Oh, and my girlfriend will be joining us. Her name is Cherubae! I bet you didn't know that we've been together for exactly one year. Impressive, no?

Ark: …yeah, great. What's for dinner?

Terranigma Freak: Well, that depends. (Terranigma Freak holds out his hands. Each hand has a pill in it.) You take the blue pill. You forget all this, and you wake up in your bed not remembering a thing. You take the red pill. You stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Cojiro: That sounds as if it has been taken straight out of a sci-fi film. The Matrix, possibly.

Terranigma Freak: I know you are, but what am I?

Cojiro: ?

Terranigma Freak: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't want to hear it.

Cojiro: ?

Terranigma Freak: Ahem. It's chicken for dinner.

Cojiro: ?

Terranigma Freak: Umm.. what's wrong with him?

Ark: ?

Terranigma Freak: Umm

Ark: ?

Cojiro: ?

Terranigma Freak: Oh dear.

(Ark, Cojiro, Cherubae and Terranigma Freak are having dinner)

Cojiro: Seriously though, I liked the English Patient! It was very long and very dull and very, very boring. It was my kind of film.

Terranigma Freak: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright. How's about I just tell you of my diabolical plan?

Ark: Ummm… isn't diabolical a bad thing?

Terranigma Freak: Riabolical plan.

Ark: What's a riabolical plan?

Terranigma Freak: I never said anything about a plan. Now, let's get to my plan. I plan to… fill the world with pictures of Fire Emblem!

Cojiro: Oh God! That is becoming so slowly repetitive!

Terranigma Freak: Yeah! And I've roped in ZedPower, too.

Ark: No! My good friend ZedPower! A minion of the evil Terranigma Freak!

(Enter ZedPower)

ZedPower: Heylo!

Cojiro: But… but… you were at the ministry of defence with us! You were the one that told me to come here!

ZedPower: I don't remember that.

(Cojiro gets out a tape player and puts it on the desk. He presses play)

(Cojiro turns off the tape and puts it back in his pocket)

ZedPower: Well… I have a wonderful speaking voice.

Ark: Is it true? Are you helping Terranigma Freak to poster the land with FE4 pic's? Why, why would you do that?

ZedPower: It's because… I am Terranigma Freak's father!

(Incredibly long silence. More silence. Silence. Quietness. Someone coughs. A church bell chimes the hour. Tumbleweed drifts by. A funeral procession marches past. An independence day style ship appears in the background, destroys the world, and we see the world slowly built up again over a period of hundreds of years.)

Cojiro: Well, that was unexpected.

Ark: Look, you all have to be stopped. So here's what I'm going to do…

(Ark falls asleep)

Cojiro: You asked for this…

Cojiro: Whoa! That was intense. Oh well… I hope you enjoy this!

(Cojiro punches Terranigma Freak. Terranigma Freak dies)

Cojiro: That worked sooo well…

(Cojiro's house)

Cojiro: Well, that was truly the last of our adventures.

Ark: Yep. Ah well… we had a good laugh there, didn't we…

(everything goes all 'wobbly' and we see a flashback of the pair's adventures)

Ark: Yeah, we're the best.

Cojiro: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do but… sing.

Ark+Cojiro: When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what will I be…

Will I be famous? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me…

(Ark and Cojiro walk off into the distance… never to be seen again.)

_____________________________________________________________________

Ark and Cojiro are left in peace…

Dais is finally back to his true form…

Wertigon failed in his attempt to bore the world…

ElBobo never had a chance to ruin the world…

Terranigma Freak kept his FE4 pics to a minimum…

The bully finds a friend…

And the master sword finally rests. For eternity.

The End