Episode 5: To kill a SparroHawc

(We see an old house)

Voice from inside: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Inside that same house)

Cojiro: (Takes picture with one of those big 1930's style cameras)

(Ark walks in)

Crowd: Yeah! Woohoo!

Ark: Settle down there. What have we got, CJD?

Cojiro: Would you stop calling me CJD? It sounds like some kind of island of the coast of Freedom, ya know?

Ark: Fine. As long as you stop impersonating Raijin.

Cojiro: Done and done. RAGE!

Ark: That's it! You and me, outside, right now! I'll take you down!

Cojiro: (coughs) For the record, that was an impersonation of Fujin, and secondly, you couldn't beat up a small pencil case.

Ark: Arh. 'tis true, says I.

Cojiro: Right. Let's get back to the murder. We have a male, wearing completely red clothes. Oh, and he had this coat on.

(Cojiro holds up a coat, which reads - "DAIS - THE DAIS PRINTING COMPANY - TRADEMARKED TO DAIS")

Ark: I'm baffled. Who is this guy? And why is he dead? And who killed him… and why the hell are we here?

Cojiro: Don't you remember? After we walked off into the sunset, you accepted a phone call from the C.O.W.S. - Covert operation of world spies - and this was our first job.

Ark: Sorted. Respect due.

Cojiro: Let's get back to my house to analyse these photo's.

(Ark's house)

Cojiro: Look at this! On these enlargements I made, you can see a feather sticking onto the guy's foot. Now that's odd…. Ark, enlarge these on the computer.

Ark: …so this is a computer…

Cojiro: Quit your bellyaching, and get with the program!

(Ark puts the photos into a shredder)

Ark: Wheagh! A little help?

Cojiro: Ark! Hello, those shredded bits of paper have fallen in a formation of a bird…

To sanctuar!

Ark: Gee, maybe we could do some more investigating?

Cojiro: Look. Whose house is this? Whose camera took the pictures? Who tagged along with whom?

Ark: This is my house. I took the pictures with my camera, and you tagged along with me right from the very beginning.

Cojiro: My point exactly. Let us roll!

Ark: ?

Cojiro: Sorry. I mean, let's roll!

Ark: ?

Cojiro: Uh, Ark?

Ark: ?

Cojiro: Oh dear.

(Sanctuar. Ark and Cojiro are talking to King Bird)

King Bird: Sorry, it's absolutely impossible. There are no kind of shady goings on here.

Cojiro: Hey, I thought we couldn't talk with you any more.

King Bird: Umm… I have to go now. (Falls off cliff)

Ark: Rrrrrrrrrright. It seems King Bird knew too much!

Cojiro: Eh?

Ark: Cojiro, isn't it obvious? He was assassinated!

(Cojiro coughs)

Cojiro: Ark, he just fell off a cliff.

Ark: Exactly… heh heh heh… oops (falls off cliff)

Cojiro: <sigh> Oh well. (falls off cliff)

(At the bottom of the cliff)

Ark: Who was that guy who was dead? Why did you jump off the cliff? Why can you speak?

King Bird: It was… oh no!

Cojiro: What?

King Bird: It pains me that I am going to reveal my masters secret! The entire Sanctuar… you know… THING.

Ark: Easy…

King Bird: Sorry. The entire plants, birds, animals and wind thing was all set up by my master. All of those things are robots.

Cojiro: Sorry, but in my 7 day, 4 hour study, that just can't be right. IL-LOG-IC-AL!

King Bird: Yes, fine whatever. I can't tell you his name. I can only give you one clue.

His name is SparroHawc.

Cojiro + Ark: ?

King Bird: Oops… uh, would you just forget that?

Ark: …no… but why don't you tell us more?

King Bird: Good deal! He lives in the penguin village, and all those penguins are robots too. Except one. He is the only real penguin. He is waiting for you. When you see him, he will say "In Penguine, autumn is a summer month", and then you reply

"Penguins are my food. I'll eat your entire race". Got that?

Cojiro: What if we say that to the wrong penguin?

(Camera zooms in on King Bird)

King Bird: Then may God have mercy on us all.

(Ark and Cojiro look around, then run off)

Ark: Hughu!

(A cold, icy chamber somewhere)

SparroHawc: ♫Falling in love, falling in love, falling in love… with… YOU!♫

Marti the robot: Uh, sir, with that out of the way, there is the small matter of… uh… my… payment?

SparroHawc: (In a loud, booming voice) WHAT!

Marti the robot: Uh, I said, my pavement! Yes, I'm building a pavement. Yes, that'll do.

Marti the robot: Well, I'm off to build a pavement!

SparroHawc: Yes, that's fine. HAHAHA! Soon, my master plan to fill all the world with robots posing as animals and plants will be fulfilled!

(We hear a shout from the distance)

Marti: YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THAT!

SparroHawc: Quiet, you! (shoots Marti from a distance)

(There is a long silence as the bullet heads towards Marti)

(More silence)

(Half an hour later)

Marti: Ow.

Ark: Well, we are in Penguine.

Cojiro: I know, Ark.

Ark: I just thought I'd remind you. After all, we did agree to attend Penguine to try and sort out the robot / SparroHawc problem.

Cojiro: What an odd thing to say. Now, let's go and find that penguin! Let's try…

Ark: How about the one holding the sign that says 'WELCOME, VISITORS FROM LOIRE!'

Cojiro: Nah, let's try… aha! The one wearing the trenchcoat!

Ark: Ahh…

Cojiro: Hi there!

Penguin: In Penguine, autumn is a summer month.

Cojiro: Penguins… ah… are my food… I… eat them for… breakfast? Was that it? No, it was I like killing penguins for sport! No, wait, it was I have a 40 pound…

Ark: DON'T finish that sentence.

Cojiro: But I was just going to say I have a large, 40 pound…

Ark: Look! I don't care! I just hope it's explosive you were going to say, and not… the other thing… you know… PIE.

Penguin: Welcome to Penguine. I will take you to my masters secret layer.

Cojiro and Ark: ?

Penguin: I don't see anything wrong with that sentence.

Cojiro and Ark: ?

Penguin: Eh…

Cojiro and Ark: Just kidding!

Penguin: ?

Cojiro and Ark: Umm…

SparroHawc: ♫Hello, hello, hello, how low, hello, hello, hello, how low♫

Marti: Dear God! That song sucks supremely!

SparroHawc: Listen, whoever you are. I don't care what you think about anything.

Marti: Oh… well… I (trails off)

SparroHawc: Yes, I can see them clearly now the snow has gone. I can see all obstacles in my path…

Marti: Hee hee!

SparroHawc: What's so funny…?

Marti: Eh, nothing.

SparroHawc: Oh, fine. Well now, the end is near, and so I face… the final curtain…

Marti: Hee hee hee!

SparroHawc: Quiet you! (shoots Marti)

Marti: Missed.

SparroHawc: I'll give you missed! I'll miss you up real nice. You'll be missed all right. Real missed up goo, like.

Marti: Umm… right. Shall I put phase 2 of your plan into operation.

SparroHawc: Yes. Phase 2, my favourite phase. We will close in on…

(camera zooms in on SparroHawc)

SparroHawc: …ZUE.

Marti: Ughu!

(Ark and Cojiro are following the penguin to SparroHawc's layer)

Penguin: And right around this corner, we have the dungeon of SparroHawc… and… WHATS GOING ON!

Ark: There's no-one here! Cojiro, look. That map over there! It has a circle around Eklemata! Quickly. To Zue.

Cojiro: What's the reasoning behind that, then?

Ark: Well you see, the circle is at G.P.S. 30º - 47'N 12º - 00'E, and that is exactly the opposite of where Zue is. And I know that SparroHawc likes his tricks… heh heh heh…

Cojiro: Wow! Uh, good work… umm… Ark. I never thought I'd have to say that.

(Zue)

Neo: Kameski, does it ever seem to you that all these animals are a bit… robotic?

Kameski: Does not compute.

Neo: Ahh, you've been saying that for the last 30 years.

Kameski: Crush, kill, destroy.

Neo: Uh, you've never said that before.

(Kameski drew a knife!)

Neo: Uh, Kameski…

(Enter Ark, Cojiro and the Penguin)

Ark: Die! Die evil turtle! You'll never tell me to leave you alone again! Die!

(Ark kills Kameski)

Cojiro: Ark! How did you know he was a robot?

Ark: Who's a robot now?

Neo: I see! All these animals are robots! That strange sparrow must have done something to them all those years ago. I was wondering why he came to 'give the animals a quick seeing to' today.

Ark: WHAT! Is he still here?

Neo: Yes. He's in…

(camera zooms in on Neo)

Neo: …you know, that room just before where you go to the lions den. You know the one?

(Ark and Cojiro look at each other)

Neo: … you know! Where that man with the game lives. You know, he actually eats those monsters after they've been hit 12 times.

Cojiro: Let us roll! Damn! I mean, let's roll!

(SparroHawc's voice is heard)

SparroHawc: Not so fast! I have all these robots locked onto you. One false move, or if you say any word containing the letter a, they will kill you.

Cojiro: Okey Dokey. I'm is not going to move, umm… other guy…

(Ark looks completely blank)

Cojiro: You! Other person who I work with…

(Ark get's out a sweet from his pocket, and starts to eat it)

Cojiro: Okey dokey! You, penguin. Get this guy to help me.

(Penguin looks completely blank)

Cojiro: Penguin! Help! I need your help here! Get this guy (points at Ark) to kill SpirroHawc.

SparroHawc: Ahh c'mon! You can't say SpirroHawc!

Cojiro: A can say what a wants to, thank.

SparroHawc: You're doing it on purpose now! That's it! Go, my pretties! Kill them!

(All the animals advance on Cojiro and Ark)

Cojiro and Ark: Uh-oh!

(long pause)

Cojiro and Ark: Uh-oh!

Cojiro: Quick, Ark, use that hose to soak them!

Ark: Ah! A hose, I will use it to write letters in the air so people can get help. Let's go…

(starts writing letters with the water)

Ark: (saying what he is writing in the air) P-L-E-A-S-E C-O-U-L-D Y-O-U P-O-S-S-I-B-L-Y G-E-T S-O-M-E H-E-L-P I-F I-T I-S N-O-T T-O-O …

Cojiro: Spray them! SPRAY THEM WITH YOUR LIQUID, ARK!

Ark: Hee hee! (Sprays them with water)

(All the robots keel over except one)

Cojiro: This one's a bit smart.

John: Uh, hullo, huh, what do you want?

Cojiro: Quickly! That robot only has a bit of HP left! Kill him!

John: Okay. I know what I have to do… (John runs away)

(The robot keels over)

SparroHawc: Uh-oh… umm… this bird's gonna fly!

(SparroHawc flies away)

Ark: Do you think we'll ever see him again, Cojiro?

Cojiro: Not likely. I erected a 14,000m high invisible fence before we got here. He will be fried any second.

(SparroHawc is in flight)

SparroHawc: Hah hah hah! They could never have defeated me! Hah hah… oh no! My heart! I'm having a heart attack!

(SparroHawc dies, but the momentum keeps him going until he hits the electric field, his heart is restarted, and he bounces off it)

SparroHawc: AHAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAHAAHHAAAAA! I'LL BE BACK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…oh my.. < cough >.

The End

Ark and Cojiro will return in 'Things to do in Denver when you're Zed'