The non-adventures of Ark

Episode 6 - Things to do in Denver when you're Zed

Scene 1

(A back room in a bar in Denver. Cojiro is pointing a gun at an innocent man)

Cojiro: And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance. And thou shalt know my name, for my name is the Lord, and thou shalt know my power, for my power is infinite, and...

(We hear a far off shout)

Cojiro: ...hold on, Ark's calling!

(Cojiro runs out)

Cojiro: Yes.

Ark: Well, that was wonderful. I'm pooped, I couldn't drink another thing.

Cojiro: AHA! YOU LOSER! YOU CAN'T DRINK! HA HA HA HA oh... oops... < faints >

Ark: All right then. (Ark's watch buzzed loudly)

Ark: (presses button on watch) Yello?

Voice: (From watch) Ark, I have your assignment for Denver. It is very important, and this time, it involves adding a new member to your group. Yes, introducing your long time companion... YOMI!

Ark: Cool! Is it the good one... or the evil one.

Voice: (from watch) You know, I didn't check. Anyway, Yomi is at the 'Bates Motel', in room 217. You go there now! Or else...

Ark: ... yeah?

Voice: (from watch) ...you know... or else.

Ark: Or else what?

Voice: (from watch) Urgh! Shudder. End transmission.

Ark: Cojiro! Get up, you stuperous flunker! We're off to the 'Bates Motel', room 217.

Cojiro: There seems to be something just a bit wrong with that address.

Ark: Whaat? You always find something wrong with everything. Remember that time we went to the land of decapitation?

Cojiro: Yeah. We went with that friend of yours, Meilin. Then she started asking too many questions... the rest of that journey is something I'd rather forget.

Ark: Yeah. And what about that time I was tricked into testing those new varieties of strength potions. He said it may cause giddiness and a loss of equilibrium, but nothing happened.

(Ark starts laughing softly, then faints)

Cojiro: I see. Well, off to the 'Bates Motel'. If that is it's real name.

(The room is silent)

Scene 2

(Outside the 'Bates Motel')

Cojiro: Here, Ark, take this special Phoenix rod and armour.

Ark: I don't want that.

Cojiro: Seriously now, take it. It shoots Phoenix's out of the top, this rod.

Ark: I don't want that.

Cojiro: Been playing the X-Files game recently then, Ark?

Ark: I don't want that.

Cojiro: That's fine. Let's go in.

Ark: I... don't... uhh... I'm out of words!

(They walk in to the hotel. We zoom back to see they are being watched by a mysterious man)

Mysterious man: Huhuhuhu...

Scene 3

Ark: Yes, room 217 please.

Person at door: Okay. I'll take you there. Proceeding with victims.

Ark: Uhh, who are you talking to?

Person at door: Uhh... emergency! Help, send reinforcements, ZedPower! Argh!

(Person jumps out of window)

Cojiro: Well. There's something we should do here... it's... aha!

(Cojiro whistles 'Natural Blues')

Cojiro: Let's go to the room! Stat!

Ark: Bah?

Cojiro: Sorry, I was watching a feature length ER. Lucy died!

Ark: Wha? Well, off we roll.

(They go up the stairs. We zoom back to a mysterious man, who is watching them)

Mysterious man: Huhuhuhuhu...

Scene 4

(In a dark chamber somewhere)

Yomi: Yrrah! Let me out of here you... gruff talking modern aristocrat!

Kaerf: Sorry, I'm under orders to keep you here, so your little friends will find the fake Yomi, which is actually a sheep which has been dyed pink, and given a stunning sense of humour. Much better than you, you big fat wisething!

Yomi: Now I may be big and fat, but I am certainly not wise. Yep.

Kaerf: Okay... you stupid dummy. God, what a dummy.

Scene 5

(In a corridor in the hotel)

Cojiro: ...and then you fight all the bosses from the Soulblazer series, except the last guys of course. Hey, have I told you about Capetown?

Ark: Gee whiz, only a complete and utter, total fool would fall for that.

(Enter Marti)

Marti: Hello! Now, when you beat the other bosses, what happens then?

Cojiro and Ark: Umm...

Marti: Well, I'm convinced. April 1st, you say? Well, that means it must be groundhog day.

(Exit Marti)

Cojiro: Okay, we're right outside room 217. Let us enter, and find our compadre, Yomi.

(They open the door, and go in. We zoom back to a mysterious man who has been watching them)

Mysterious man: Huhuhuhuhuhu...

(Cojiro and Ark run back)

Cojiro: Who the hell are you.

Mysterious man: I'm sorry. I can't divulge any information about my secret identity. I was just sent here to watch. Please, don't mind me.

Ark: Okay! Let's go.

(Ark and Cojiro enter the room)

Mysterious man: Huhuhuhuhuhu... they will soon meet their demise in the many traps contained within. Only those with the secret map of Quadlopec will possibly conquer the great evils that lie within, and... yes?

Cojiro: We're done. Yomi's not in there, but I think I know where he could be... in Storkholm!

Ark: What gave you that idea?

Cojiro: This note. (Cojiro holds out a note to Ark - it reads 'Things to do in Denver - Kill Ark; Steal Ark's clothes; two pints milk; go to Storkholm.)

Ark: Cool. I haven't been there in ages. But why would Yomi be in Storkholm?

Cojiro: Yes. And why would Yomi be in Storkholm?

Ark: Uh, Cojiro... hah, that's umm...

Mystery man: Good question, young chicken. In fact, you seem to be the clever one of the group by asking that question.

Ark: Whoa... I just got to... hold on...

Cojiro: Shut up, Ark.

Ark: Wha... I just...

Cojiro: NOW.

Ark: Okay. (whispers) Lousy chicken.

Cojiro: What did you say?

Ark: Umm, I said... Lousy... ricken. Yes, that'll do.

Mystery man: Well, the only way I can help you is to give you this Phoenix armour and phoenix rod. It shoots Phoenix's from the tip! Just like in Illusion of Time!

Ark: Hang on... the mystery man is infact... Bob Dole!

Mystery man: What the? It's me, Terranigma Freak.

Ark: Oh. I don't know how I made that mistake.

Terranigma Freak: Yes. I'm sorry I had to use a disguise, I was... umm... scared. Yes, that'll do. The thing is, Yomi is being held in Storkholm by my older brother and my father.

Cojiro: Who are they?

Terranigma Freak: As you well know, I have three brothers ElBobo, Cyrus and TGEB. Recently, they joined a group of militant animals. And I have one evil son... Kaerf Amginarret. I named him myself, dont you know?

Cojiro: Wait. Didn't I kill you?

Terranigma Freak: ...yes! But, that was only my first form. You still had to defeat Warlord Terranigma Freak, Annoyed Terranigma Freak, Mad Terranigma Freak, Christmas Terranigma Freak, Terranigma Freak of houmus and babaganosh...

Cojiro: Great. You can help us!

Ark: Wow! We're getting new members by the bucket full! Just like those TV programs that are failing, so they frantically throw in new characters to enliven the show!

(Cojiro is silent)

Cojiro: ...yes. Just like those failing shows. We're not failing though, are we? So we don't need new members!

Terranigma Freak: So, am I still joining?

Cojiro: (long silence) Yes. Now let's go to Storkholm!

(they leave. We zoom back to see a person is watching them)

Person: Those three are our only hope.

2nd Person: There is another.

Scene 6

(In the basement where Yomi was first found in Storkholm)

Yomi: Yrrah! This is pathetic! I am a flying blob of pink, why can I not get away?

Kaerf: Haha. You're being held back by my masters powers.

Yomi: Your master? Who's that, some kind of... ... ... master?

Kaerf: Yes. His name is... ZEDPOWER! A HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAH HAH HAH!

Yomi: Oh! That's just plum.

Yomi cast 'silence' level 17!

Yomi was silenced!

Yomi: What!

Kaerf: Hah! I cast reflect! Now you won't be casting any more magic spells!

Yomi: Gee, surely it would be better that I could, and they'd keep reflecting onto me. You know? I could of cast death!

Kaerf: Yes, well I suppose that would... qualiflech.

Yomi: Qualiflech?

Kaerf: Enough chitty chat! You go squsih now!

(Kaerf stamps on Yomi)

Yomi: Ow! OW! That really hurts!

Kaerf: Sorry.

Scene 7

(Ark, Cojiro and Terranigma Freak are in NeoTokio)

Cojiro: What the hell are we doing here?

Ark: I told that gull to turn left! LEFT! DAMN THE GULL! DAMN ALL THE GULLS!

Terranigma Freak: Well, we could go and see Will!

Cojiro and Ark: NOOOOO!

Terranigma Freak: Okay fine, we won't go see Will.

Cojiro and Ark: Woohoo!

Ark: Hang on... I don't remember there being a police station in NeoTokio!

Cojiro: Ark, it's the only place with one.

Ark: Yeah, what's that about! Still, I don't remember it being it called the 'Power of Zed station'.

Terranigma Freak: He's here. I can sense a disturbance in the force.

Ark: Force? Listen to me kid, i've been all over this world, i've seen a lot of crazy things, but I ain't ever seen anything that will make me believe there is one all mighty 'force' controlling us all.

Terranigma Freak: ...okay... I take that back. Shall we go in?

Cojiro: Yes. We shall go in.

(camera goes all slanty on Cojiro)

Cojiro: And this time, it's personal.

Terranigma Freak and Ark: ?

Ark: Wait, first I have to see if i'm still the noodle king. To the noodle... place!

Scene 8

(In the police station)

ZedPower: Slaves, more slaves! No one will stop me now! I have Ark and Cojiro on a wild goose chase, I have Yomi in Storkholm, and I am slowly but surely fulfilling my plan to... LET NOBODY SEE THESE ENLARGED PICTURES OF WEAPONS! HAH! That'll show those... bureaucratic losers! Now let's see...

(ZedPower rolls his chair over to the computer. We see 4 pictures of enlarged weapons on the screen)

ZedPower: Now, let's see... we have the 'Sticker'... let's release that to the general public in... oh, let's say, 2004, April 1st. That way, I don't actually have to release it, I'll just say it was a joke. I mean, who believes anything that happens on April 1st!

(Enter Marti)

ZedPower: Yes, can I help?

(Marti holds out a glass with a white, sticky liquid in it)

ZedPower: Wheagh! What in the name of crimeney is this?

(Marti shrugs)

ZedPower: Is there anything else I can help you with?

Marti: ............yes. That Phoenix rod....

ZedPower: Get out!

Marti: ...and the Phoenix Armour...

ZedPower: NOW!

(Marti leaves)

ZedPower: That's fine, then. CHER! Get over here!

Cher: Yes master, O mighty one, the lord of the flies, lord Jim, leader of the families of a small eastern European tribe known only as the bleah, master of food products like houmus and babaganoosh...

ZedPower: Wow! You remembered about a third of it! Anywho, I need you to go and kill Ark and Cojiro. They are getting too close to the truth. Take this... uh... hat with you. It's razor sharp. It could cut through a statue!

Cher: What about Terranigma Freak?

ZedPower: ...(camera zooms in on ZedPower)...kill him.

Scene 9

(In a restaurant in NeoTokio)

Ark: Chomp, chomp! Oh, this is sooooooooooooooo....

Cojiro and Terranigma Freak: yes...?

Ark: sooooooooooooooooooo...

Cojiro and Terranigma Freak: yes...!

Ark: soooo... well, i've forgotten what I was going to say. Anyway, i'd better finish this off, so we can get back to finding Yomi.

Cojiro: Yes, quickly finish off the noodles.

Terranigma Freak: I've been watching you eat those noodles for ages.

Ark: Well, I just...

(People run out of the restaurant, screaming)

Cojiro: Those noodles are taking so long to eat! Are they long noodles? Short noodles? I've never had long noodles. Looong noodles.

Ark: I'm gonna kill the next person who says noodles.

(There is a seemingly long silence)

Terranigma Freak: Well, we may have been slightly side tracked into the 'food product' shop, but now we must get to the Police Station. Maybe they have info on Yomi's whereabouts. Wasn't there that shop he liked going in in this town? Which shop was that?

Cojiro: Uh... i'm not sure I remember...

*Flashback*

(Cojiro and Yomi are outside a shop in NeoTokio)

Cojiro: I'll go and see what's in this 'favourite shop' of yours.

(Cojiro enters, then comes out, looking bemused)

Yomi: What is it?

Cojiro: She said I was too young to come here, and that I could come back when I was legal. And she called me B A B Y.

Yomi: Ahh, that's her all right... uh... look, I found these... uh... jacks! Go and play with them while I go in the 'shop'.

Cojiro: Okay! (He runs off to play) Wow! Two-sies!

*end of flashback*

Cojiro: ...anyway, I'm sure it's not important. Now we shall roll, with the speed of a thousand gazelles, to the police station!

Ark: Uhugh!

Scene 9

(In the police station)

ZedPower: Blast! Those... gruff talking work slackers are here! Quick, Cher, get over here. We need to evacuate immediately, and.... why are you here?

Marti: Umm... I think I have the key to get in to Cape Town. I just need your authorisation to enter it...

ZedPower: It was an April Fools joke, you derbert!

Marti: No, i'm actually being truthful here. I have really found the entrance, but you have my copy of Terranigma, so I...

ZedPower: No. You aren't getting it back until you admit you made those things up.

Marti: But I...

(ZedPower cast a serious look)

Marti: Okay, I made it up. Can I have the game now?

ZedPower: Oh, I left it in Mermaid Tower. You'll have to go there, Marti. Or should I say, M. Anthony.

Marti: Exnay, on the thony-man-ay.

ZedPower: (Laughing) Yes, you'll have to go there... shall we say... Martin A. No, that's too obvious. Let's say Martin. A.

Marti: Uh...

ZedPower: Now get out of my sight! And get your hands off Cher!

Marti: Oh, sorry ma'am.

ZedPower: Right. Cher, start the... UNCONSTITUTIONAL POLICE STATION MOVING MECHANISM!

Cher: We never made it. Remember, all those budget cuts you made?

ZedPower: What budget cuts?

Cher: You don't remember? You took all the money out of research and put it into that new McDonalds we have outside.

ZedPower: Blast their beef and turkey goodness! Well, we'll just have to hide.

(ZedPower, Marti and Cher all hide)

(Enter Terranigma Freak, Cojiro and Ark)

Ark: Well, this place is clean. Move out, boys.

Cojiro: ...you search over there, I'll search over here. Ark... uh... here's a newspaper for you to read.

Ark: Woohoo! (Reads) The supreme court declined trade links with western Ebonia while they withstood embargo facilities.

(Long silence)

Ark: ...yeah. That's the stuff. Now, let's turn to the funnies. Archie. "Hey Jughead, did you hear? The supreme court declined... urgh. Damn. That scenario sounds familiar... that's... odd.

Cojiro: Here! I think i've found something! Look!

(Ark and Terranigma Freak gather around)

Cojiro: It's... JAMES WOODS!

James Woods: Uh, hi. You know I, huh, don't really... don't really know where I... don't really know where I... am, ah, here.

Cojiro: Wait a minute! This isn't James Woods! This is... MARTI!

Marti: !Alright fine! It is me! But I'm the only one you're going to find. Hey, do you want me in your group?

Cojiro: No! You... fanfic copying... idea swindler!

Marti: Okay. I shall go.

(The funeral march plays. Marti walks towards Terranigma Freak, but Terranigma Freak turns away. He turns to Ark, but Ark turns away. Marti leaves)

Terranigma Freak: Well, I think we should keep looking for...

(Suddenly, the lights go out)

Ark: I'm so, so sorry. I know Cojiro and Terranigma Freak think it isn't my fault, but it is. This was my project. I'm so, so scared. I think...

Cojiro: What are you...

Ark: Sorry, got a bit weird there.

(We hear ZedPower's voice over the PA system)

ZedPower: (in a Dr. Evil style voice) Greetings friends. I hope you got yourself aquanted with my "lair" because you won't get out 'til morning! Meanwhile, i'm flying to Storkholm, to get all the weapon pictures I left there. Oh, and by the way... RELEASE THE D... (we hear whispering) what the... no dogs, then. What do we have? What? That's great. Fine. RELEASE THE CATERPIE'S!

Ark: Wow! Cojiro! I haven't got a Caterpie! I'll borrow your Pikachu to weaken it, and... Terranigma Freak, do you have a PokeBall of any kind?

Terranigma Freak: No! I'm a little scared of the dark, so just... boohoo! I'm very scared!

Cojiro: Don't worry! Just think of good things. Things you like.

Terranigma Freak: You mean, like Jennifer Anniston?

Cojiro: Well, sure...

Terranigma Freak: She's my favourite 'Friend', you know.

Ark: That's great, and...

Terranigma Freak: AAA I LOVE HER! I'M GOING TO MARRY HER!

Ark: Just a little scared now...

Cojiro: Well, it looks like we'll be here until morning.

Scene 10

(morning has broken)

(like the first morning)

Terranigma Freak: Then she says "except I sat down where there wasn't a chair!" I laughed for ages!

Ark: Yeah... that Rachel...

Terranigma Freak: It's Jennifer! JENNIFER! RACHEL IS FICTITIOUS!

Cojiro: Right you two, let's get going...

(Cojiro got out his transceiver)

Cojiro: Base! Base! Come in! Reading me? Over.

Voice from transceiver: Uh, we read you loud and clear, sending in troops to Iran on you r command. Please say the password now. Over.

Cojiro: What? What the hell?

Voice from transceiver: Received. 40,000 American troops are to be flown to Iran on the double. Over and out.

Cojiro: Now I don't think that...

(looks at transceiver)

Cojiro: Oh! It's set to 'SEND... TO ARMY'! I'll change it.

(Cojiro changed the switch to 'send to home')

Cojiro: Nooo... this is useless. We'll just find our own way out.

(In slow motion, Cojiro throws the transceiver into the air. It spins slowly, and turns into...)

Go to next scene

Scene 11

(The transceiver turns into ZedPower, who is lying on the floor)

(Yes, that was a poorly executed '2001 - A space Oddessy' Link)

ZedPower: Good... God! This is absolutely useless! I'm going round and round, not finding Storkholm at all! I need to jettison more stuff!

(ZedPower threw away - 2x M. Bulb, 1x Crystal Spear, 1x Protect bell)

Protect bell: Ding! Ding! Smash!

Cher: Well, let's go that way. (Points towards the sky)

Marti: How, per say, do you propose we do that?

Cher cast 'Angel Wing' level 10!

(ZedPower and Marti grab onto Cher)

Cher: Hey, hey! Marti, get your hands off of those!

Marti: Sorry, they're so big, I couldn't miss them.

Cher: That's all very well, but if you keep putting your hands on my wings, then I can't fly. Dumb ass.

ZedPower: This birds gonna fly!

Cher: You calling me a bird?

ZedPower: No ma'am.

(Cher, ZedPower and Marti are in mid-flight)

Cher: Hang on... hang on... the EVERQUEST EXPANSION PACK! I MUST GO NOW TO IT!

ZedPower: Well, if you'll just put us down over there, you can...

Cher: ARGHHH! (Cher turns into a white thing with purple hair)

Cher: VrooooOo! (She flies away, with Zed and Marti)

Scene 12

(Cojiro, Ark and Terranigma Freak are in the castle at Loire)

Ark: If I remember my Eloise, we need the protect bell to get to Storkholm.

Terranigma Freak: Where do we get one?

Man: Protect bells! Get them here! No one gets into Storkholm without a protect bell!

Ark: Ah! I'll take one!

Cojiro: Ark, that's not a protect bell. It appears to be a small bin.

(Enter American Joe)

American Joe: A bin! By gum, young man that is a bonafide trash can! If you can't speak the language, why do you wear the clothes?

(Exit American Joe)

(Long silence)

Terranigma Freak: ... so we need to find a protect bell, and.... what's that?

(We hear a loud sound)

Sound: VrOOOOOO!

Cojiro: That can only mean one thing! Cherubae has turned into an Esper much like the one Terra turns into in 'Final Fantasy 3', and she, Marti, and ElBobo are flying towards the one thing Cher likes best.... EVERQUEST.

Ark: Good thinking Penfold! Right let's go!

(Camera goes slanty on Ark, and we see him from the floor, looking up)

Ark: And so we play... end game.

Scene 13

(Outside the castle)

Cojiro: Right, the LUNATIC CHER will meet us at 3 different points... point 1 - the bridge to the castle - she'll reach that in 3 minutes. Point 2 - the top of the castle - she'll be there in 5 minutes, and point 3 - the back gate - she'll be there in 12 minutes. We must reach her at one of these points, or...

Ark: Look! She's landed next to us!

(Cojiro looks dejected)

Terranigma Freak: Ahh, that's gotta sting!

(Cojiro nods)

Terranigma Freak: I mean, you had a whole plan there.

(Cojiro nods)

Terranigma Freak: Yeah, well, let's get with the program.

ZedPower: Now! Let's go to the... oh, it's you again.

Ark: Too right it's us! Man, is it us! The people you're looking at, that's us all right. Just you and us.

ZedPower: Sorry, 'pals' but I have too much work to do to fight you! Cher, take us to.. nooooo! She's found a computer!

(Zed runs over to her)

ZedPower: Nooo! Does this computer have Internet access?

Cojiro: N... yes.

ZedPower: Nooooo! I didn't want to have to do this, but....

(ZedPower steps back)

ZedPower: ZedPower change! Cojiro clone!

The fantastic! Incredible! ZedPower robot 1B!

(ZedPower punches Terranigma Freak. Terranigma Freak falls over the bridge, and hangs on to it, dangling over the moat)

ZedPower: (Walks over to Terranigma Freak) Terranigma Freak! I am your Father!

Terranigma Freak: Nooooooooo! (He falls into the moat, and is minced by a turbine)

Cojiro: Oh! That's... gotta hurt!

Ark: Why don't you want people to see the pictures, Zed? They're top class!

ZedPower: They're mine! I made them!

Ark: You know... (Ark slowly walks forwards, and uplifting music plays) I don't see why we can't just get along. Isn't the world big enough for us? With your pictures, and our ability, we could live together... in peace. We could mould a new world. Where the ZedPowers of the world... and the Ark's of the world.... are as one! We could be the most powerful planet in the universe! We could do...ANYTHING!

(A tear falls from ZedPower's eye)

Ark: So i'm urging you now.... ZedPower. Share the pictures.... for the greater good.

ZedPower: (wiping away a tear) You know Ark... what you're saying makes a lot of sense.... that's it! From now on, i'm going to join forces with you! We can spread the pictures as far as we want! Let's DO IT! (Ark and ZedPower are about to shake hands)

Cherubae: No... no... NOOOOOOOOOOO! It crashed! Okay, that's it. Who here owns this computer.

(Everyone points to Ark. Ark points at Cherubae)

Cher: Arghhhhh! Die!

(Cherubae and Ark fight around)

Scene 14

(In Storkholm)

Yomi: Yrrah! Kaerf is asleep... now's my chance... mustn't make any sounds...

(Yomi shrunk, and got out of the chair)

Yomi: Easy does it... easy does it... Hey! A protect bell! You go far away now!

(Yomi throws the protect bell at the door)

Protect bell: Ding! Ding! Ding! Smash!

Kaerf: Uhn... Cher... S19... Marti... stop it... let's all share the d... the dreamcast...

Yomi: Phew! Wait a minute! My spider sense is tingling! Ark is in trouble! I know!

(Yomi wrote the Ark letter)

Yomi: Hunh? What's that sound?

(A gull flew in through the window)

Yomi: Wow! Just like on TV! Here, take this letter to Ark. Stat!

(Gull flew off with the letter)

Kaerf: Huh... put that away... Wertigon... no-one likes your d... dreamcast... no-one likes any dreamcasts... huh? HEY!

(Kaerf might have woken up)

Kaerf: Stop, thief!

Yomi: Too late, Joe, the gull already took the letter to Ark. I'm pretty sure i'll be saved soon!

Kaerf: (chuckles lightly) You mean... this gull? (points to gull next to him) This here is a homing gull... it goes back to me, no matter who sent it anywhere. Not even master Beruga could send it away from me. I'm pretty sure your 'letter' will be back here pretty soon, and...

Yomi: No, I used a different gull.

Kaerf: ...and... oh...That's.... far worse.

Scene 15

(Cherubae has beaten Ark)

Cher: Right, now... pledge your allegiance to Everquest! Give your life to Everquest! Let everquest be your strength!

Ark: NEVER!

(Ark and Cher fight again)

ZedPower: All right, that's it, deals off! You, Ark and Cojiro, you get no pictures of weapons, and no new friend in the form of ZedPower.

(The Ark letter fell on Cojiro's head)

Cojiro: Argh! (Cojiro was knocked out)

(Cher and Ark break up the fight)

Cher: Zed! Let's go get those pics! The Everquest log in server is down. For now...

(Zed and Cher leave)

(Cojiro regained consciousness)

Ark: Hey! A letter! Cojiro, let's...

(Cojiro and Ark slowly look left. They see Marti smiling)

Cojiro: Can we... help you?

Marti: No, I'm just staying near you so I can.... 'steal'... your ideas.

Ark: What? You mean like continuous game and film references, some double entendres, and a healthy mix of comic activity laced with real life characters from the Terranigma Community?

Marti: Yeah, that to. Ark! Psst! Psst!

(Ark goes over to Marti)

Marti: (whispers) I know Cojiro's weakness! It's... Rachel Pink. If you can find Rachel Pink, then Cojiro will succumb to anything.

Ark: (writing down notes) Uh-huh. And who is this Rachel Pink?

Marti: She's this girl who is Kerry Pink's sister. She is really hot.

Ark: That's great. Thanks... er... Marti. I never thought I'd have to say that.

Marti: Hey, maybe I should tell Zed that! I mean, that's quite useful, that. I think i'll go and..

(Marti keeps talking as Ark walks off)

Cojiro: Well, the letter says that Yomi is being held prisoner in Storkholm, in the basement where you first found him. And Ark. Look at the note paper.

Ark: This notepaper! I can't be! Look at what it says at the top!

Cojiro and Ark: Things to do in Denver when you're Zed!!!

Scene 16

ZedPower: Well, we've come a long, long way together. Through the hard times, and the good. I have to... say, that Ark and Cojiro know where we are, they know where the pictures are, and they know where Yomi is. Unfortunately for us. All three of those things are in the same place. Who should I blame for this?

(All look shifty. Cherubae points at Marti)

ZedPower: I thought as much. Marti! No pay today.

Marti: Yeah! I won!

ZedPower: Okay, here's the deal. We have four(count 'em) four people with which to defend this place. Cher, guard the door to the weaver's place. I'll guard the shop. Marti, you guard the box and Yomi, and the elders house. And Kaerf... why don't you take a walk?

(Kaerf leaves)

ZedPower: Right, we have about 30 minutes to prepare. Let's roll, people!

Scene 17

(Cojiro and Ark are walking along in Norfest forest, wearing heavy backpacks)

Ark: Oh, damn this! Why the hell are we going out of our way to save Yomi? I've had enough! I'm not going any further!

(Ark slumps down on the floor)

(Cojiro puts down his backpack and sits on a tree stump)

Cojiro: You know... I'm 15. I have a house... a table... a television with a teddy bear on the top... I want to go back there too. I don't know anything about Yomi. But if saving your sidekick Yomi gets me back home, then i'm gonna do it. I'll do it without you if I have to. But it'd sure be a lot easier doing it with you.

(Ark gets up)

Cojiro: So are we going?

Ark: Y... no. You just infringed a copyright law.

Cojiro: What?

Ark: Oh, hello! Saving sidekick Yomi? You lifted that straight out of 'Saving Private Ryan'.

Cojiro: True, but I believe that brings the total film/book reference list for this adventure above ten. Nice, eh?

Ark: Very nice! Let's roll! Look! These are ZedPower's footprints! This way!

Cojiro: Ark... those are your footprints. They have your personalised logo on the bottom.

(Ark looks at the footprint. It reads 'TONNICA')

Ark: Oh yeah. Gur-hurp. But look! There 's smoke coming out of that chimney over there! That's Storkholm!

Cojiro: Great! First, we need a plan. I know Ark, we should (whisper whisper, whisper whisper, whisper whisper)

Scene 18

(Marti is watching the horizon from outside the Elder's mansion in Storkholm)

Marti: It's quiet today. Too quiet. I think i'll stand at the gate and watch.

(There was a rustling from the bush next to Marti)

Marti: Huh?

(Amy appeared!)

Marti: WHOA!

Amy: (in a strange voice) Hello Marti. Amy looooves you!

Marti: But you're Amy.

Amy: That's what I said! Fool! That's it, i'm going. (Amy stays still)

Marti: No! No! Stay here!

Amy: Well then, go and get me... one of those monsters that shoots fire at you. That's all I need to complete my Pokedex.

Marti: Yes ma'am!

(Marti leaves)

Amy: Hee hee hee...

(Suddenly, Cojiro and Ark jumped down from a helicopter!)

Cojiro: Ark! Get the stick!

Ark: Die Marti! Die!.... Huh? Who're you?

Amy: I'm Amy. Who're you?

Cojiro: Well, i'm Cojiro and this is Ark. Why are you...

(Amy had dissapeared)

Voice: I know how you feel about me, Ark. If you look deep within your heart, you'll see who that really was. Hint: I can control mirages!

Cojiro: Wow. Do you know who it is Ark?

Ark: Shut your hole! Let's go!

(Ark and Cojiro enter the Elder's mansion)

ZedPower: (Jumps out of shop) Haha! The plan worked perfectly! Ark and Cojiro and Yomi are in there, with two of my bombs! AHA AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, yeah, and Marti's in there too. HA HA HA HA!!!

Cher: aha AHA AHA AAHHAHA!

ZedPower: (cough) Right. Let's go to the lookout post, Cher.

(ZedPower and Cherubae go behind the Elders Mansion)

Scene 19

(Ark and Cojiro are going down the steps to where they first found Yomi)

Sound: Hmmm HMMM!!!

Ark: Gee. What's that sound?

Cojiro: I... don't know! Let's just continue continuing.

Ark: Agreed.

(They pass the last flight of steps)

Ark: Hey! Yomi!

Yomi: Hmm Hm Hrammm

(They run over to Yomi and take his muffley mouth muffler thing)

Yomi: IT"S A TRAP!

Ark and Cojiro: What?

(A huge glass box falls from above, and surrounds Ark, Yomi and Cojiro.)

Cojiro: What the? Noooooo!

(Zed and Cher are standing the other side of the glass)

Zed: And so... this is the finale. Cojiro. You've done a lot of stuff in your time, but now, your adventures with Ark will come to a bitter end. I'll continue keeping the weapon pics away from the world, and you can stay... umm... dying in a glass box.

Cojiro: Is this truly the end of Cojiro and Ark? Ouch! Oh, and Yomi?

Ark: I've got an idea.

(Cojiro faints)

Ark: (to Yomi) I'll woo Cher with these Everquest expansion pack pictures which I took earlier.

(Ark held out the Everquest expansion pack pictures!)

Cher: Everquest... EXPANDED! THE TREES! THEY SWAY! SWAY I TELLS YA!

ZedPower: Oh... dear God no! Why! Why did you show her the pictures?

(Ark stole Cojiro's laptop)

Ark: Hey, Cher! Here's a computer with internet access!

(Ark turns on the computer. It says 'welcome to freeserve')

Ark: Internet access... of sorts...

Cher: VrOooooO! (Cher smashes through the glass!)

(Cojiro regained consciousness!)

Cojiro: So, Cher really is an Esper! Anyway! ZedPower. You're evil, horribly contrived and lengthy plan has come to an end!

ZedPower: Gasp! What noisy children! See what you get.

(ZedPower retreated to the back room)

Ark: Cojiro! Yomi! This is it! We have Zed cornered!

(Ark, Cojiro, and Yomi all went into the back room)

Scene 20

(Ark, Cojiro, and Yomi all stand in the centre of the circular room)

Voice: You shouldn't have come here... I am more powerful than you can possibly imagine...

Voice: ...huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu...

(ZedPower appeared)

ZedPower: If only you could have stayed out of all of this... you could have been happy...

(ZedPower reverted to LAVOS!)

Lavos: WOOF! WOOF!

Ark: We can't beat this thing! It's waaay too big!

Cojiro: I know, keep him occupied for... a half hour. I'm going to get something.

Ark: WHAT! A HALF HOUR!

Yomi cast 'Final Heaven'!

Lavos hurt 36,000 hp!

Ark: On second thought, i'll be fine.

(Cojiro snuck round the back of Lavos)

Cojiro: Do do de de da da... aha! I've got them!

Lavos: What? Noo... not the.... NOOOOO!

Cojiro: It's the COMPLETE SET OF WEAPON PICS!

Yomi cast 'Real' level 99!

Weapons made real!

Ark: Yes! We can beat him... i'll use... the WOODEN ROD!

Cojiro: Uh, fine. I'll use the Hero rod.

Ark: Fine. (damn!)

Cojiro and Ark relentlessly attacked Lavos!

Ark: Finally! TRIPLE ATTACK! LIFE DESTRUCTION!

(Cojiro flew into the sky. Yomi turned into a ball. Ark struck Yomi at Lavos, turning him into a fire ball. As Yomi hits Lavos, so does Cojiro. Everything explodes)

Scene 21

(How much time has passed)

Ark: I'm okay! I'm okay! Yomi? Where are you?

(Yomi popped up)A

Ark: Yes! But... where's Cojiro? Cojiro! Cojiro! Co...jiro...

(The Secret of Mana 'leaving Potos village' music plays)

Yomi: Come on Ark. Let's go.

Ark: Poor Cojiro. He layed down his life so that we could live...

(we hear a sound behind them)

Sound: I'm not dead!

Ark: I can still hear his voice. Goodbye sweet Cojiro. Maybe you're in a better place now...

Sound: I'm fine! I'm really OK!

Yomi: Granted, I had never met him before today, but he seemed cool. It's a shame...

Sound: I'm right behind you... I'm next to you. Look, i'm tapping you on the shoulder.

Ark: ...oops.

The End

Ark: Sorry about that, Coj.

(They walk of into the distance)

Cojiro: Don't call me Coj.

Ark: Loser you are. I don't like you anymore.

Cojiro: Fine by me. Yomi's my best friend.

Ark: Mine too! Hey, Cojiro, let's be friends!

Cojiro: ...okay.

(disappear over horizon)