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"Sir, I think I'll have to ask you to leave. I already told you we don't sell cheese here."
"AAAAARGH!!!"
Exasperated, Ark decided to leave the shop. He hadn't been able to sell the crappy spear he found at any of the shops he walked by. For some weird reason, every shopkeeper tought he wanted to buy cheese. He walked out of the shop and joined Yomi, who was hovering nearby, trying to lure the owner of Cream-A-Cat in a dark alley so Ark could beat him up an steal his money. "Yomi, I told you we weren't going to… Oh hi sir! We'll be leaving now!" Ark said as he dragged Yomi away from the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? I told you we weren't going to maul anyone anymore!"
"Oh come on! Unless we go into the cheese selling business, I don't think we'll have a chance of getting any money!" replied Yomi.
"We could always open a Whack-A-Meilin booth…"
"You know, I never understood why we need money anyway. You're level 50, you're inventory's maxed out, and all you need to do is to defeat Dark Gaia!"
"I need the money so I can pay the Enix programmers to make the game go on indefenitely I don't go to sleep after I kill Dark Gaia! That way, I'll be able to do some monkey business with Elle as many times as I want!"
"You know, you have a perverted little mind Ark…"
"Oh shut up. I'm not the one who tought Meilin was kinda hot!"
"Well she is! She's much hotter than Elle!"
"You make me sick."
"Screw you."
"Oh hell. Anyway, back at the problem at hand. How to make money… We could tell our adventures and make people pay to hear them!"
"Who the hell would pay to hear stories about an underworld, you resurrecting the world, a fight with a bitch named after a drink and you saving the whole planet from an evil dude who locked me in a box!"
"The people who haven't paid to buy the game…"
"No. What we need is something flashy, something big, something catchy… I know! The Yomi Show!"
"Oh come on! Why not beating the record for eating the most potatoes out of a hat!"
"Hey! A hat… potatoes… I know! We'll put on a magic show!"
"Hmmm… a magic show… yeah, we could do that… I think… But what's the thing with the hat and potatoes?"
"Instead of taking rabbits out of a hat, we'll take potatoes!"
"Yeah! And you know why? 'CAUSE POTATOES RULE!!!"
"YEAH! AND MEILIN'S HOT!"
"…"
"Stop looking at me like that… you're freaking me out!"
"…"
"STOP IT!"
"…"
"AAAAH!" screamed Yomi as he disseapeared in the box. Ark then took out a pocket recorder and said into it: "Note to self: Stare at Yomi when he is getting annoying." For the following days, Ark and Yomi worked on their act. It involved a lot of hats, potatoes and staring. Finally, they were ready to show their act. They put up a stage at the "Carnival-All-Night-Orgy-Party-City-That-I-Can't-Remember-The-Damn-Name". After no one came on their first night, Ark and Yomi had an argument. "MEILIN'S NOT FRIGGIN HOT! SHE'S A GODDAMN ANNOYING BITCH!!!! AND WHY THE HELL ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HER? THIS IS ABOUT OUR MAGIC SHOW DAMMIT! said You-Know-Who. (For you idiots out there, Ark said it)
"MEILIN IS HOT! AND I WISH I'LL MARRY HER SOMEDAY!!!" This next scene involves a lot of puking, swearing and more puking so I'll spare you the details. "AND OUR MAGIC ACT ONLY SUCKS 'CAUSE SHE ISN'T IN IT!"
"Hey! No one came to our damn magic show 'cause YOU didn't distribute the flyers!"
"Hey, don't blame this on me, monkey-man!"
"Monkey-man?"
"I dunno, I felt like saying it."
"Anyway… where were we?"
"You were saying Meilin was hot after all."
"Yes. As I was saying, Meilin's h… HEY!!!"
"Dammit… almost worked."
"…"
"Ha, I told you the stare wouldn't work anymore!"
"…"
"Okay, that's enough Ark."
"…"
"Ark? A… Ark, stop it!"
"…"
"AAAAHH!" yelled Yomi as he flew back in the box.
"Hehe, even after the 247.34 time, it still works like a charm!"
"You said it buddy!"
"Who're you?"
"I'm a character the author decided to introduce in the story, but he doesn't have lots of plans for me yet."
"The hell?!?! Hey Galin! Get rid of this loser!"
"Well, it's been nice knowing you! Goodb…" He didn't have time to finish his sentence since the dreaded eraser at the end of the big pencil removed him from the story.
"Hey Yomi, get your gelatinous purple ass out here." Demanded Ark.
"What is it, Oh Great Omnipotent Staring God?"
"Cut the crap. About our routine. Even if nobody showed up because of YOU, maybe we could make the show better anyway. You know the hat you gave me? Is it even magical?"
"Well, it's still a hat…"
"Yeah, but did you ever see a magician wearing a PIRATE'S HAT?"
"Shiver me timbers matey! That's me hat!" said a pirate that came out of nowhere.
"Oh great…"
"Give it back matey! Give it back or I'll make ye walk the plank!"
"Sorry Mr. Pirate sir, but I don't have any other hat right now, and I really need it, so SCREW YOU."
"Arrr matey! So ye want a fight eh? Shine me brass cutlass! I'll take ye scurvy dog down!"
"Look sir, I really don't have time for this…" as Ark said this, the pirate jumped on him and tried to hump him. " DUDE!! SICK!!! A BEARDED-EYEPATCHED-WOODENLEGGED PIRATE IS TRYING TO HUMP ME!!!"
"Arr matey, and hump you I will!" replied the pirate.
"YOMI! HELP!"
Yomi comes flying out of the box and looks at Ark and says: "Oh, so now you want my help eh? Well, I'm not helping you until you say MEILIN'S THE HOTTEST GIRL YOU'VE EVER SEEN!"
"Ummm… I rather have the pirate hump me…" but suddenly, everything disseappeared.
"DAMMIT! The damn white-out is all over the screen…" whined Galinstar.
A little while later…
"There, all clean again. Now I'll have to make sure not to spill the white-out when I correct anymore…"
"What happened?" asked Ark.
"You blacked-out after seeing Meilin's extreme beauty."
"…What happened?"
"Meilin's hotness was too much for you, and you passed out."
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!!"
"Oh, fine. A pirate appeared for no reason besides you because I had stolen his pirate hat but I had given it to you but he tought you stole it so he wanted to kill you but he humped you and I don't remember anything after that."
"………………WHAT HAPPENED GODDAMMIT!!!"
"That's what the hell happened you moron!"
"Oh… Uh, wait a minute… A PIRATE HUMPED ME?"
"Dammit, this is going nowhere…" Galinstar said to himself.
After making a few changes to the happening events, Galinstar continues the story…
"You're sure this'll work Yomi?"
"YES! I told you I stole the hat from a real magician!"
"Well, I dunno… Let's test it…"
"Yeah! Let's put some of your hair in it and see what happens!"
"Why my hair? Why not yours?"
"I don't have hair idiot…"
"Right…" and as Ark said this, Yomi flew over with a pair of scissors and cut not 3, not 2, but ONE of Ark's hairs off. (Okay, I know hair can't be counted, but to hell with that) Yomi took the hair and dropped it in the hat. POOF! Another dude with a spikey hairdo appeared, and it was Crono.
"What the? Crono? What the hell are you doing here? This is an Enix game!"
"…"
"Oh, right… he doesn't speak…"
"Hey! I wanna see what will come out if I put more of your hair in there!" and Yomi does so. After a few minutes, they find themselves with a bald Ark and most of the Squaresoft's games cast, along with many other heroes from other Rpgs.
"AAAAAHHH!!! YOMI!!! I'M BALD YOU LITTLE FREAK!!!"
"Hehe! And you can't do anything about it!"
"Oh yes I can! GALIN!"
"What? Hurry up! I'm playing TFC!"
"I'M BALD!!!"
"So what? Deal with it! Gotta go! See ya later! Buh-bye!"
"AAARGH!!! I WANT MY GODDAMN HAIR BACK!"
"Okay, fine! Just wait a minute, I'm gonna frag that soldier… YEAH!!! SEE YOU IN HELL, DUMBASS!!! Okay, here's your hair back, now leave me alone!" said Galinstar. Then to himself: "Why the hell am I even writing this? I can't be playing since I'm writing the damn story! Oh well…"
"No problemo amigo!"
"This is fun! Ark, can I keep them?"
"Send them ALL back Yomi!"
"Hey, since you have new hair, maybe we could…"
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"
"Aw, nuts…"
"Now send them back!"
"I don't know how!"
"Just stuff 'em all in the hat!" and so Yomi does…
"Hey Ark, I stuffed an old lady in there by accident!"
"Don't worry about it!" and as soon as Ark said those words: POOYAKA SHOOMABOOLA! A Grandma came out of the hat. But not any kind of Grandma… A FLYING GRANDMA!!!
"What the hell!?!?!"
"It's a bird! It's a plane! NO! Oh, wait… it is a plane…"
"IT'S THE FLYING GRANDMA!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! OH DEAR LORD! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!!!
THE END
Of chapter 1…
One last word: YOMI AND POTATOES RULE!!!