Scene 1
(Ark and Maiek are poncing about in Liotto)

Ark: So how do you keep yourself so trim. I mean, after every battle, you're as fit as anything. C'mon, tell me your secret!

Maiek: Well, I, go to the gym twice a week, I, errr… I, don't smoke, and, I go to church, EVERY Sunday mornin'.

Ark: What, so your telling me it's Holy Water? It's Holy Water isn't it? (runs off. Six seconds later we hear a scream) AAHHHHH!!! THE EYES! IT BURNS!!!!!!!

Maiek: Oooooh… that's gotta hurt! (taps his triangle)

(Ark staggers back)

Ark: WHY?!? WHY IS MY LIFE SUCH A MESS?!?

Maiek: Ooh, your eyes look per-etty nasty. Let me help you. (gives Ark Fever Medicine)

Ark: ??? What's this going to do?

Maiek: Hey, quit your bellyaching! Just take the damn medicine!!! (suddenly very sympathetic) It should help relive your eyes.

Ark: Ooh, don't you know a lot! (eats Fever Medicine)

(They wait for a while. Tranquillity. Silence. Discharge drops from Ark's eyes)

Ark: Hey, it isn't doing anything!

Maiek: Arugh! I think we'd better take you to a doctor. Pronto!

Scene 2
(Ark and Maiek are on a boat to Litz)

Ark: Hey Maiek, you know this discharge stuff?

Maiek: Not personally, I don't believe we've met.

Ark: It tastes faintly of salad cream.

(Maiek rushes to the edge of the boat and vomits violently. Soon, he staggers back)

Ark: Wanna try some? It's made me feel better.

(Maiek turns 18o° on the spot and rushes to the side of the boat, where he is sick again)

Ark: Dude, are my eating habits really that repulsive?

Sailor: Mweeheeheeee! The seawater made me feel better! Go on! Give it a try Bobby! Now where's that dancing octopus? Come on, Shirley, I won't bite. Much! HEE HEE HEEEEE!!! Ohhh, the humanity!

Ark: Oooooooooooooooooooookay then. Nooo! My discharge has discharged!

Maiek:(stumbles over) Good. Ark, that's absolutely disgusting. How could you do that.

Ark: I haven't got a clue. It's like when little kids pick their noses and then…

Maiek: That's enough of that! I don't want to be ill again.

Ark: Are you sure?

Maiek: Err, yes!

Ark: Final answer? You have two lifelines left.

Maiek: Err, I'll phone Mister Fist. Wha… what's that Mister Fist? You say I should punch Ark?

Ark:(makes strange noise) Well that's enough today! Join us tomorrow to see if Maiek punches me…

(Maiek floors Ark with a blow to the eye. Discharge flies from Ark's eye)

Maiek: Ooohh, Urrrrgh… uh-oooohh! (runs to the edge of the boat)

Ark: Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Gummy Discharge DiMieglo! Thank you! (eats discharge)

Scene 3
(Ark is in bed, awake)

Ark: Uhhhhhh… I knew I shouldn't have eaten so much. My eyes sting. My stomach is sore. My ass is burning…

(Maiek walks in)

Maiek: You make me reel in disgust (gets out fishing rod) I'm surprised Elle ever liked you. Although she probably didn't see you eat… (shudders)

Ark: Can't you leave the nastiness until morning? I hurt like Princes' high-pitch squeal inducing trousers.

Maiek: Well don't expect any sympathy from me. If I give you anything else you'll probably end up eating your own shhhhhhhhhhhphincter. Yes, I was going to say sphincter. Hehehe.

Ark: If you're going to accuse me of super-disgusting deeds then get lost. If you want to go to sleep, go to bed.

Maiek: You'll probably feel better in the morning anyway. You're fussing over nothing.

Ark: If it wasn't for you and your stupid Holy Water…

Maiek: Hey, DON'T DISS THE HOLY WATER!!! Holy Water Rules. Don't Argue. Anyway, I didn't say that I used it, did I?

Ark: Suppose not.

Maiek: It's just you and your stupidity, isn't it?

Ark: Yup, sure is.

Maiek: Err, Ark? I just insulted you!

Ark: Yep, stupidity.

Maiek: ??? (turns light out)

Scene 4
(Ark and Maiek are in Litz docks)

Ark: Ahh, the clean fresh, sea air! (breaths in deeply) Rejuvenates my lungs (breaths out heavily) Ooooh, that really wakes you up in the morning.

Maiek: You seem unusually healthy today. Shouldn't you be ill?

Ark: Like you said, I was fussing over nothing. I went to sleep and woke up fine.

Maiek: Well, we'll take you to the doctors anyway. You still might have something.

Ark: Okey doodle.

Maiek: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (gasps for air) rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrright.

Ark: Ahem. So when are we going to… (smells the air) Oooooooooh! Do you smell that Maiek?

Maiek: No, I don't have a degree in smelling sardines.

Ark: ??? Can't you smell it? Its deliciously grilled sardines!

Maiek: Gah! (slaps his forehead)

Ark: I'm having some. You gonna come with?

Maiek: What, and see you eat sardines coated in 'salad cream'? No thanks. I'll go and explore Litz town.

Ark: You don't know what you're missing!

Maiek: Yes I do. I'm going to miss everyone abandon the area you're in while you coat multiple sardines in large amounts of your eye juice.

Ark: Hey, can we leave that behind now, it's over!

Maiek: No way! I'm going to ridicule you for this for your entire life. Or until the end of this adventure.

(They depart)

Scene 5
(Maiek is sitting in the Waiting Room^TM of the Hospital in Litz)

Maiek: Man, how long is this going to take…

(Someone walks out of the doctor's room, white as a sheet)

Receptionist: Would you like any medicine?

Person: Err, no. Thanks. Goodbye.

Maiek: ???

(Ark walks in)

Ark: Dude, what's with the guy who just left?

Maiek: I've no freakin' idea!

(Someone else walks into the doctor's room)

Ark: You know, I kinda wanted him to drop down dead in front of me.

Maiek: Oooh, I think someone's just had their first taste of bloodlust!

(The person walks out of the doctor's room, shaking)

Receptionist: Will that be all, sir?

Person: Yes. Miss. Goodbye.

Ark: Err, Maiek? We haven't accidentally walked into a zombiefier clinic, have we?

Maiek: Well, if the zombiefier company turned their logo into a cross, I didn't hear about it.

Doctor: Right, Ark?

Ark: Err, Yes?

Doctor: Bingo! Step this way. (they walk into his room)

Doctor: Hi, I'm Doctor Emilio. So, Ark. What seems to be the problem?

Maiek: Well, yesterday, discharge was coming from his eyes, and he was…

Ark: …doing nothing else! Honest!!!

Maiek:(glares at Ark) He was fine this morning. I thought we'd come just in case he had other things as well.

Emilio: Okay… Ark, just hop up onto this table for me, would you?

Ark: What, the one with the red paint on it?

Emilio: Yeah, the… paint.

Ark: Okey Doodle.

Maiek: Rrrrrrrrr…

Ark: Don't even go there!

Emilio: Right I'm just going to check you over, see if you have anything wrong with you. This may take a while…

(After hours of prodding, poking and probing, Ark gets off the table)

Ark: Right, what's wrong with me? Give it to me straight doctor 'cause I can take it!

Emilio: Right, I'm afraid, Ark, that you have everything.

Ark: Everything? You mean I have gangrene?

Emilio: Yes.

Ark: Schizophrenia?

Emilio: Yes, that as well?

Maiek: Even over-enthusiastic childbirth?

Emilio: Yes, he does. But the thing is, they're in perfect balance with each other. Let me demonstrate…(takes a small model door and some furry objects)

Emilio: This door represents you. These furry animals are fuzzy infections; this one is influenza, this is psychosis, and this cute little creature is hepatitis. Now if they all try to get through the door, then this happens…(mashes all the creatures into the door)

Ark: So what you're saying is that I could be ill any minute now?

Emilio: Yes, I am. Even the gentlest breeze could tip the balance.

(Ark turns white)

Emilio: Give it time. You're safe with me! I give you my word!

Maiek: ???

Emilio: I'll give you time until your memory returns.

Maiek:(turns to Ark) YOU HAVE AMNESIA!!!

Ark: Who are you again?

Emilio: I'm sorry, NOW LEAVE!!! I have many people to do this to… I mean look at. Yes, I need to look at all the people waiting. Hehehe…

(They leave the room)

Receptionist: Can I get you anything, sir? Medicine? Bulbs?

Maiek: Yes, can I have cures for everything, please.

Receptionist: I'm sorry, there's just one medicine per person.

Maiek: Okay then, err, I'll have an L. Bulb.

Receptionist: I'm sorry, after the Cherubae report on the damaging effects that L. Bulbs have on you, we are unable to supply them.

Maiek: Damn Cherubae… Ohhhh, gimme an M. Bulb.

Receptionist: There you go. Thank you, come again.

Maiek: Mmmmmm, gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. (munches on M. Bulb)

Ark: Can… we go, NOW…please?

Maiek: Sure, in a minute. Can I have another M. Bulb please?

Receptionist: I'm sorry, there's just one medicine per person.

Maiek: Grrrrrrr, damn medicinal laws…(mumbles to himself) Hey wait! M. Bulbs aren't medicine!

Receptionist: Thank you, come again.

Maiek: Bu…

Receptionist: Thank you, come again.

Maiek: Wait I…

Receptionist: Thank you, come again.

Ark: We go now…PLEASE!!!

arts sweating) Yes, off we go…

(They leave)

Scene 6
(Emilio is wandering about aimlessly)

Emilio: Hmm. Nice spot

(Suddenly a P.A system kicks in)

P.A: You are nearing the entrance to an abandoned secret Underground Lair^TM. 5 paces forward and one pace left will put you in front of the doorway in the floor, and use the secret knock.

Emilio: Even better. But I don't know the kno…

P.A: If you have forgotten the knock. Please wait while we assist you.

Emilio: Seems simple enough.

(Emilio waits for ages. Silence. Something rustles in the bushes. A chick falls out of it's nest and is promptly eaten my a Wolfo)

Emilio: Stupid hold-up system…(stomps the ground )

P.A: You have used the secret knock. Please enter at will. Have a nice day. Underground Lair^TM is a trademark of Will the Pilot Corp. All rights reserved.

Emilio: Hmm, nicely done, if I do say so myself.

(He walks into the lair)

Scene 7
(Ark and Maiek are at the Inn in Litz)

Ark: I'm excruciatingly scared, you know. Everything. That's SO degrading.

Maiek: But the thing is, is that he said he had 'many people to do this to'. Which got me wondering if you really do have every single disease in the known Lightside.

Ark: You mean I'm in the clear!!! YIPPEE!!! (clutches his chest) AGGGGHHH! Thrombosis… moving…

Maiek: I just knocked you in the chest, Ark.

Ark: Oh. My mistake!

Maiek: I think we should pay Doctor Emilio another visit. Then we can sort all this out.

Ark: I don't wanna…

Maiek: Ark… it's 27 paces away.

Ark: Uuugggh… You're SO UNFAIR!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!

Maiek: Woah dude! Where did the freaky font come from?!?

Ark: Huh, waaah!!! Man, that is bizarre!!! The powers of Kevin must work strange things…

(Ark looks around suspiciously, while Maiek feels his hair)

Maiek: C'mon, off we go to Emilio's Hospital.

Ark: YOU ARE SO UNFAIR!!!

Maiek: Ahem…

(They leave the Inn)

Scene 8
(Ark and Maiek are at the Hospital once again)

Ark: We've err… come to see Emilio…

Receptionist: He is not in at the moment.

Maiek: Well where is he?

Receptionist: I cannot release that information, sir.

Maiek: Hey don't give me that FB aye crap! Tell me where he is or Columbo in there gets it! (points to Columbus' room)

Ark: It's Columbus, Maiek…

Maiek: What-ever!

Receptionist: Is that a threat?

Maiek: NO! It's an invitation!

Receptionist: Oh, okay. He's wandering about aimlessly. So what's the invitation for.

Maiek: Err… errrrrrrrrrrr… It's my Bar Mitzvah. Yeah, it's yesterday. Be there at midnight! (they run off)

Receptionist: ???

Scene 9
(Ark and Maiek are back at the Inn)

Maiek: So, he's wandering around aimlessly, is he. Gah, we'll never find him!

Ark: Unless we knew where he was, then we could find him.

Maiek: ???

(They think for a while. Silence. Ark's bed squeaks. More silence. Maiek's hair slowly starts to flop)

Maiek: AHA! Goddit! You know when we were wandering about the last time?

Ark: Yeas.

Maiek: You caught me with an M. Bulb.

Ark: Yeas.

Maiek: We stumbled on the Underground Lair.

Ark: You forgot the ^TM.

Maiek:(slaps his forehead) Yes, I know I did. Well, Emilio could be around there, or maybe in the lair. Come on, puddinpap! We're off to wander around!

Ark: Aimlessly?

Maiek: Yes, that's the whole aim, isn't it?

Ark: ???

Maiek: Let's go, enigmo!

(They leave)

Scene 10
(Ark and Maiek are, sure enough, wandering around aimlessly)

Maiek… and in 6.947 seconds, we'll hear the P.A.

(They wait. The P.A system jumps in)

P.A: You are nearing the entrance to a secret Underground Lair^TM. 5 paces forward and one pace left will put you in fro…

Maiek: My goodness, this is getting repetitive. (kicks the ground)

P.A: Please wait until you are prompted to use the knock.

Ark: Waaah! It's never done that before!

Maiek: Probably because we didn't know the knock.

P.A: You are at the entrance to a secret Underground Lair^TM. To enter, use the secret knock.

Maiek: Finally. (stomps the ground)

P.A: You have used the secret knock. Please enter at will. Have a nice day. Underground Lair^TM is a trademark of Will the Pilot Corp. All rights reserved.

Ark: Yeah, yeah…

(They walk in)

Scene 11
(Emilio is sitting a Big Chair^TM)

Emilio: Hmm, very comfortable. Kupek! Get me a Carlsberg Export®!

Kupek the Moogle: Isn't named alcohol drink bad for ones liver, sir.

Emilio: Yes, I would know, as I'm a doctor. Now get me one! Kurin!

Kurin: Yes, oh Great One.

Emilio: Hmm, needs a little work. Anyway. Could you get me a Snickers? I'm hungry, so why wait?

Kurin: I could get you a Snickers. I am able to.

Emilio: You and your wisecracks… WOULD you get me a Snickers?

Kurin: Certainly sir.

Emilio:(whispers) Cocky little freak. Kupop! What's the fund total.

Kupop: The total amount of money we have is £170,567,900, sir.

Emilio: In gems, please.

Kupop: Err, 700 gems, sir.

Emilio: Damn.

(Ark and Maiek walk in)

Maiek: Hey, I didn't finish last time, did I? So she kneels down and I said 'Man, I need a…' Hey Ark, over there! It's Doctor Emilio!

Emilio: Yes it is I, Emilio the Great! (silence)

Emilio: Well come on Moogles, say it!

All the Moogles:(monotone) You are greater than great, oh Great One.

Emilio:(To Ark and Maiek) Good isn't it?

Ark: No, it's cruel. Moogles are nice animals. With cool dances!

Maiek: Yeah, how could you be so… Oh my…(points and stares near Emilio)

Ark: Don't start that again!

Maiek: No, really! LOOK!!!

(Ark looks at where Maiek is pointing. He sees a skeleton)

Ark: Arugh! What is that?

Emilio: Oh THAT thing. It's just Keinz's corpse. Don't know how he got here. Looks like he died of causes unknown. Ahehehehehe, hoohoohoohoo, hahahaha, no stop it haahaahaaa!

Ark: Okey doodle then…

Maiek: Rrrrr…

Ark: No, NO!!! Zippit!

Maiek: Humph.

Ark: What's your plan then?

Emilio: I don't have a plan. However I do have a scheme. I plan to tell everyone in the world that they have every single disease. They will then pay me lot's of money for cures. I will then be able to…

Maiek: Doesn't this plan seem slightly familiar to you, Ark.

Ark: As a matter of fact, it does.

Emilio: If you'll just let me finish. I will then be able to mass-produce Zombiefier Clinics (patent applied for). Then I can raise the dead, and have a mass army of Zombies at my command!

Ark: And he sounds like…

Maiek:…Doctor Beruga!

Ark: I've warned you about that…

Emilio:(peels face back) Yes, it is fact I, Doctor Beruga! Now you will die at the hands of my Moogle squad. Moogles, GO GET THEM!

Maiek: Here we go again…

Kupek attacked!

Gave Ark 20 damage points

Kumana attacked!

Gave Maiek 47 damage points!

Kuru attacked!

Missed Maiek!

Mog attacked!

Gave Maiek 2 damage points!

Maiek: Hey, quit ganging up on me! You shall now pay!

Maiek cast 'hair' level 97!

Kupek, Kuru, Mog and Kupan were covered!

Ark cast 'discharge' level 13!

Kumana, Kuku and Kupop were disgusted!

Kutan vomitited!

Maiek: Ark you really are foul!

Ark: No, Cojiro's a fowl. (sound of drums)

Maiek: Gah, you and your jokes… I dunno.

Kuku danced!

Nothing happened!

Kurin attacked!

Gave Maiek 55 damage points

Maiek cast 'baldies' level 34!

Kanog, Kurin, Kushu and Kuku were balded!

Maiek gained a level!

Got 267 GP!

Ark: Well that was fun.

Maiek: Yeah, but where's Beruga?

Beruga: Hmmhmm HAHAHA! While you were busied, I have planned my escape route. And I will be free! And I will come for you. I could come for you in the middle of the night. I could come for you when you least expect it… Or whenever's good for you, I don't mind.

Maiek: Beruga you diabolical…

Ark: But you're not even going to get away.

Ark cast 'Boom Ring'!

Beruga: YEEEEAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! (dies)

P.A: Self -destruct sequence, activated.

Maiek: Arrghh! How are we going to get out of this in an honourable and decent…(looks round. Ark has run off) GAAH! Nuts! (runs after Ark)

Scene 12
(Ark and Maiek are running out of the Underground Lair^TM)

Ark: I see the light!

Maiek: No you don't, that's just a firefly! Now keep running!

(They keep running)

Ark: There's the door! Now I swear it has one of those sensor thingies.

(Ark runs toward the door. It doesn't open)

Ark:(runs into the door) ARRRGGHHHH CRAP!!!!!

Maiek: There is a button you know. Which explains why it's labelled 'Open door'. (pushes the button)

(The door opens. They run through and do a Lethal Weapon style jump as the lair explodes)

Ark: ARRRGGHH!!!

Maiek: LIKEWISE!!!

(They land heavily)

Ark: Oooofff!

Maiek: Urrrghhhh…

Ark: You all right?

Maiek: Yeah, but that Moogle is trying to steal your speed shoes.

(Ark turns round)

Maiek: Hahaha. Not really. I'm a nice guy!!!

Ark: ???

Maiek: I think we should go to church, and thank the Lord for saving our worthless butts.

Ark: Okey Doodle.

Maiek: Rrr…

Ark: ZIP IT!!!

Scene 13
(Ark and Maiek are walking into Litz church. There are many people there)

Ark: Now this place is nice (stubs his toe) AGGHH GOD!!!

(Everyone turns and looks at Ark)

Ark:…has forsaken me. Yes, my God has forsaken me. Hehehe. (sits down)

Maiek: (mumbles a prayer to himself) Well, that's all done now. I wonder where our crazy lives will take us next.

Ark: Hmm, yes, hopefully away from any doctors. Even better, away from this continent. Europe gives me the creeps.

Maiek: Yeah, I prefer America. It's more fun. Europe's just plain boring. And as for the Far East… (turns round)

Ark: Ooooooooooookay then. Only Maiek hair and my lightly singed shoes can tell us where we go next.

Maiek: Now lets all play air guitar! (starts playing Hendrix's 'Hey Joe' really well on air guitar)