Yep, it's a Terranigma fanfic. The first shot I've made at one. I've read a lot of fanfics and I figured I could make one that was just as good (maybe). So here I go, and this one's gonna get LONG...it's following the storyline of the game, but I put some...er..."tweaks" in it...enjoy...

***START FANFIC HERE***

Ark was walking along through Crysta one day when he happened upon a shiny blue crystalline rock. "Hmm. Cool rock." He snatched up the rock and put it in his pocket. Later on, after scaring chickens into the weavers' house like a complete dumbass, he ran off in the woods to hide. In the woods he saw a chest. (Author's note: So you're getting bored? Shut the hell up and read!!!) Ark's curiosity got the best of him, so he tried to open the chest. It wouldn't budge at all. He tried punching it, kicking it, breathing on it, and planting a big one on it, but the lock simply wouldn't go. Luckily, Ark was carrying his super-duper-handy-dandy NeoSpawn™ brand lock-picking kit. He broke the lock on the chest and opened it, and found another rock that looked just like the one he found earlier. He started to wonder if there was something special about these identical rocks, but his slightly screwed up head forgot what it was thinking about. (That and the fact that he heard pissed-off weavers with NeoSpawn™ brand press-the-red-button-to-turn-Ark-into-a-quivering-gelatinous-mass-of-goo cannons coming to the woods after him...)

Ark ran off in another direction, but unfortunately he came to the Wall of the Woods, where the trees grew so thickly that nothing could pass through them. Cursing his stupidity (which took three hours to complete), Ark ran along the Wall, trying to get away. He found a hole in the ground that was big enough for him to duck in and hide. Ark crawled in and waited. When it seemed that the weavers has broken off their pursuit, he inched out and looked around. It was getting late, and the sky was darkening. Ark returned to the Elder's house and hit the sack for the night.

Oh yes, and during the night, Ark got up, had a midnight snack, farted, and loudly jumped back in bed.

Ark was troubled by his horrible nightmare again-you know, the one about how there's one piece of cheese left on the table and Elle gets it before he does-and he was happy when his (previously mentioned cheese-stealing) hot girlfriend Elle came in and awakened him. "Ark...Ark...get up Ark! Dammit, this script sucks! My next scene better not be this sucky, you writing dumbasses!" He was so startled by her bitching that he managed to roll himself off of his bed and slam into the beautifully solid wood floor with a THUD. "Ark! Are you all right? Wait a minute...of course you are, you've got the hardest head I know of." Ark grumbled angrily (which, for you complete idiots out there who want to know what it sounded like, sounded like "mmumgugmmgmuuu") in reply. "Hey Ark, when are you going to learn to wake up before noon? I've been waiting for you to get your ass up, lazy s**t-headed bastard f**k. Get off that goddamned floor and gimme a reeeally nasty kiss, or I'll tell you what happens at the end of this story before you've lived it all.." Ark was a little annoyed at first, but had no problem with that last order (well, except maybe for the minor name-calling). After Ark finished probing Elle's mouth (!), he said, "I'm about to die of hunger. I'm going to the kitchen. I'll come to your house a little later." Elle smiled and left. After Ark tripped over a strange yellow skateboard (an object that he found in the woods a week earlier and still couldn't find a purpose to having), he ran into the doorway and bumped into a coffee table on his way to the kitchen. When he got there, the lady who was cooking (our spies have yet to discover her identity) asked Ark to get a vase since she couldn't leave her boiling pot alone. Ark gently picked up the vase, and then told the woman, "You know, the game programmers forgot to program in a way to gently set this vase down, so I can't put it down unless I throw it and you get pissed off at me." The woman said that she didn't want him to have to carry a vase because some other idiot couldn't program a button, and Ark threw the vase into the wall. The vase was smashed, and the cooking chick got pissed off at Ark and told him he wouldn't get any breakfast, just like Ark had said she would have to do. Poor little mis-programmed Ark was hungry, and he saw some apples on the table, which he ate like the script (which NeoSpawn is currently writing at this very instant with his NeoSpawn™ brand Pentium-90) said he would. The cooking chick got pissed again, and Ark decided to go to the Elder as an excuse to get away from the kitchen, and to continue living out NeoSpawn's twisted fanfic.

When Ark got to the Elder's room, he was brutally scolded for chasing the chickens into the weavers' house and screwing up their NeoSpawn™ brand weaving crap, and forced to go apologize. Ark wanted to see Elle again anyway, so he trotted off to the weavers' house. After apologizing to the boss bitch for scaring her chickens and begging for his life, Ark was released (after being forced to do hard labor for four hours with no pay) and was finally allowed to talk to Elle. She took Ark to her room and did some freaky stuff that readers of this fanfic can't handle without drowning in their own puddle of drool...umm...well anyway, Ark walked on out of there and headed back to the old bald Elder's house. Three of his Ark wannabe friends were trying to open a blue door that was sealed with a magical barrier, and they asked Ark to try it since they were so pathetically stupid that they couldn't think to throw a vase at it and crack it and go downstairs and...well, back to the story...Ark threw a few vases at the door and it disappeared. A voice far down the doorway called for help, and his pathetic weak dumbass friends promptly got very sick and left. Ark went down the stairs and saw a floating shining thingamajigger multi-colored box a-floating in the air. It told him to come help, and Ark, being the complete dummy that he is sometimes, ran up to the box quickly. He was very surprised when a magical shield threw him backwards on his butt, and expressed his irritation in a healthy manner. "GODDAMN ^$&#@^$#@&*!!! If you want my f**king help, you'll have to tell me about f**king magical shields that I can't see that are placed around NeoSpawn™ brand Pandora's Boxes to prevent souls that aren't calm from touching the damn thing!" yelled Ark. "SHUT UP AND OPEN THE GODDAMN BOX, YOU LOUD IDIOT!!!" yelled the box. After realizing that he was getting nowhere, Ark found a way to calm down his soul.

"Calm down, soul, and I'll give you a Scooby Snack..."

He slowly walked forward and opened the strange box.

A purple ball-like thing with bat wings and big eyes and no visible mouth and what might be tiny antennae popped out. "WHEW! It was CRAMPED in there! Thanks a million, brother! YAH! Unh! I feel good! Da-na-da-na-da-na-da! I knew that I would!"

*Insert song and dance routine with funny-looking mutant thing here"

The thing then just floated in the air quietly. Astonished, Ark looked at the thing in wonder. "What's wrong? Hey, did someone play a dirty joke and super-glue your eyelids open? I got some burning nail-polish remover in this here box you can use, just be sure not to use it all, I have to have something to get the polish off of my wing tips-" "SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY! What in the world are you?!" "Hey pal, you don't have to yell! I have ears! They're kinda hard to see, but, well, you know, even someone like YOU should be able to figure out something as simple as that-" "STOP IT! YOU TALK TOO MUCH! I'M GETTING DIZZY! MY VOLUME'S JAMMED ON OVERDRIVE! MY GIRLFRIEND'S TOO ROUGH WITH ME! I CHASE CHICKENS! BANG BANG CHITTY-CHITTY BANG BANG, OUR FINE FOUR-FENDERED FRIEEEEEEEND!!!" "BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!!!" yelled a familiar bellow. When they looked, they saw that the eternally hot bitch Elle was coming towards them. The purple blob whispered to Ark, "She's loud, man...oh yeah, I'm Yomi and you can go in that box and do cool stuff by having the player press Select on his control pad, or if that's too hard for you, you can summon The Great Terranigma Freak..." Elle walked up to Yomi and looked him over intensely. "Hmm. Funny-looking winged blob with no ears. Ark! Did you win this stuffed animal for ME?! Aww, you're so sweet! I'll have to...return the favor *insert wink here*...sometime tonight..." Ark's jaw dropped, and Yomi's jaw dropped too (though our spies still don't know what part of him is the jaw).

After this happened, Elle stopped moving and was encased in blue ice stuff. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a strange blonde spike-haired guy with a sword that was taller than him and really baggy black pants came out of nowhere. "Oh, Ark, I need your help! There's this chick with real big hooters that I grew up with and I'm trying to bang her real good but she's still not ready to get popped and I don't know what I should do about it and you always get some from that purple-haired chick every time you turn around and I was wondering how you do it and maybe you can get me a role in an Enix game sometime like maybe Star Ocean 3 or something and-"

"Cloud. Shut up. My girl's frozen now too, so I have to go on a long journey to defrost her...and how the hell did you get out of FF7 anyway?" Cloud answers, "..........." and vanishes. Ark yells at Yomi for freezing Elle, Yomi tells Ark what to do, gives Ark a tour of the magic box, and Ark goes upstairs. Details not important until Ark goes upstairs. Ark runs into the Elder. "You enormous fool! YOU OPENED THAT BOX, YOU IDIOT! I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO DOWN THERE! BLAH BLAH BLAH..." Ark smiles and nods for a while. "...BLAH BLAH BLAH Go!" After hearing the old coot's words, he steals some good stuff from some chests in the house and embarks on his quest to get his nightly fun back...

***End fanfic part 1 here***

Well, that's it for this minor installment. Remember to E-mail some of your comments to mb_death@hotmail.com so I'll know how you like it, and what you'd like to see. Current plans include further breaks in the normal storyline of the game, a guest appearance by the great Terranigma Freak, and Ark going for a wonderful walk in the park...oh, I'm sorry...he'll just sit home and break stuff. Well, I have to go now since my local brother wants to play Terranigma. Little shrimps sure do cramp my computing style...okay, I'm leaving already!

Don't forget to look for other NeoSpawn™ brand products in your grocer's freezer.

...NeoSpawn...