|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Gaia Wars, prologue
by SparroHawc
Narrator: After weeks of battling fierce foes and hunting down valuable items to further his quest, Ark has finally finished, and returned home... Only to discover that he had no home to return to. It was all an illusion held by Dark Gaia. When the god of death attempts to destroy our brave hero, they are both drawn to the center of the two worlds to do battle. Ark finds himself on a pentagonal platform in a strange room... With Dark Gaia standing in front of Ark, ten feet taller and lookin' to cause some serious pain!
Dark Gaia: I WILL DESTROY YOU!
Ark: Wow, you look scary... OK, here goes nothing! PYRO RING!
Pyro Ring: *fizzle*
Ark: Drat! Umm... OK, let's try - SKY RING!
Sky Ring: *fizzle*
Ark: This is not good.
DG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FOOLISH MORTAL?
Ark: Hold on a minute! Uh, um, BOOM RING!!!
Boom Ring: *fizzle*
Ark: WHY WON'T THEY WORK!?!?!?
DG: HAH HAH HAH!!! YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT MAGIROCK IS USELESS HERE?
Ark: WHAT THE !@#%!!! You mean I spent ALL THAT TIME collecting all 96 of these dumb blue rocks, and spending hordes of money on these pins and rings - and I CAN'T USE THEM HERE? ON THE LAST BATTLE IN THE GAME?!?!?
DG: THAT'S RIGHT. NOW HOLD STILL SO I CAN SQUISH YOU LIKE A BUG. SONIC BOOM!
Ark: Uh-huh. (easily jumps over strange red triangles) What else you got?
DG: GAIA'S RAGE!
Ark: (walks in a circle, and explosions trail a few feet behind him) Yawn. Next?
DG: HOLD STILL! UH, SCATTER MAGIROCKS!
Ark: WHAT?!? YOU CAN USE THEM BUT I CAN'T?!? THIS IS TOO MUCH!
(the magirocks explode, Ark takes some damage)
DG: AND NOW, LIGHT ORB!
Ark: MAGIROCKS! MAGIROCKS! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! GYAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
(He swings at the white ball with all his might. It is hacked in half; one piece smacks Dark Gaia in the midriff. His top half falls off.)
Ark: Yes!
(Dark Gaia's top half rolls into a spiky ball and runs over Ark a couple times)
Ark: Ow! Ow!! Stop that! I thought I'd dealt with you! (stabs Dark Gaia's top half with his spear)
DG: I AM EARTH'S INTERNAL FACE.
Ark: What, I stab you and you say that? You have the strangest exclamations of pain.
DG: MAGIROCKS!
Ark: Yeah, yeah... I know the drill. (avoids them until they explode)
DG: GAIA'S RAGE!
Ark: Don't tell me that's all you can do?
DG: SONIC BOOM!
Ark: (jumps) Man, Bloody Mary was harder than you! Maybe SHE should be here instead!
DG: LIGHT ORB!
Ark: Ha! (whacks the orb, it hits DG, his top half rolls around) This is pitiful. (stabs DG again)
DG: YOU, TOO, WILL DISAPPEAR...
Ark: What? Are you disappearing? Looks like you're still here to me. What are you going to say next? "Life is like a box of chocolates"? Make some sense here!
DG: SHUT UP. SONIC BOOM!
Ark: (does jumping jacks in time with the moving triangles) Four attacks. A measly four attacks. This is getting dull.
DG: LIGHT ORB!
Ark: Yeah, yeah. *whack*
DG: URGH...
(repeat process)
(DG explodes in showers of sparks)
Ark: Yes!!! Yes!!! I beat Dark Gaia! I saved the entire population of the planet! I will be adored by millions! They'll make a statue of me! They will worship my image!!!!
(scene fades to black)
(fades in on Ark standing alone on the pentagon-shaped platform.)
Ark: Oh crap. From the ominous music, I would assume I'm about to fight the REAL Dark Gaia.
DG: I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THOSE SILLY TAUNTS!
Ark: How'd I guess. He was far too easy the first time... I didn't even use any bulbs.
(a blinding white light fills the room. Ark keels over in agonizing pain)
Ark: Man! How was I supposed to guard against that? I knew SOMETHING was coming, but honestly!
(Dark Gaia appears in giant-floating-bug-with-a-scorpion-tail form.)
Ark: Uhh, um, PYRO RING!
Pyro Ring: *fizzle*
Ark: Thought so. Well, it was worth a try. GYAAAA!!!!
(He makes a valiant attempt at stabbing the monstrosity, but to no avail. DG throws a few sparks at Ark, who now has about 10 hit points. Ark spins around and flops over.)
Ark's senses faded away...
DG: MWAHAHAAA!!! I'VE DESTROYED THAT PESKY ARK! NOW HE WON'T BOTHER THE WEAVERS ANYMORE! I ALWAYS HATED IT WHEN HE DID THAT...
DG: HAH...
DG: HAH...
DG: HMMM...
DG: ...
DG: ...
DG: UH... WELL... NOW WHAT?
DG: ...
DG: ...
DG: ...
DG: I KILLED HIM! THERE'S NO ONE LEFT TO FIGHT! THE WORLD'S BACK IN BALANCE, IT'LL GO INTO IT'S NORMAL CYCLE AND I HAVE NOTHING LEFT I CAN DO!!! I'M GONNA GO CRAZY IF I DON'T FIND SOMETHING I CAN DO!!!!
Light Gaia: CALM YOURSELF.
DG: AND WHERE WERE YOU ALL THIS TIME?
LG: I DON'T KNOW. THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME PACT I HOLD TO IN ALL THE GAMES... YOU CAN SHOW UP AND PASTE EVERYTHING, BUT I ALWAYS HAVE TO STAY BEHIND THE SCENES AND WATCH ALL THESE CRAPPY HEROES... THE CLOSEST I CAME WAS IN ACTRAISER, AND I STILL DIDN'T GET TO DO ANYTHING! IT WAS ALL THAT AVATAR FELLOW! IT'S ABOUT TIME I TOOK MATTERS INTO MY OWN... UM... HANDS OR WHATEVER.
DG: WELL, SINCE YOU'RE HERE NOW, I SUPPOSE I MIGHT AS WELL... NUKE YOU!!! BWAHAHAAA!!!
LG: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWERS OF THE LIGHT SIDE. OH, WAIT, THAT'S NOT RIGHT... AW, WHO CARES! PREPARE TO DIE!
Narrator: DG and LG face off and engage in a mighty battle. The balance of the Earth shifts first one way, and then the other... Eventually, they end in a draw and agree to take half of the world and leave each other alone. After bickering over where to draw the line, the world is separated into two halves, divided by a line of chalk... On one side, birds sing cheerfully and grass grows green. On the other side, there is... Nothing.
Millenia pass. The Light Side grows denser as creatures overrun and crowd into cramped living quarters. The Dark Side... well... Nothing happens because nothing is there.
Eventually, Dark Gaia is seen trespassing on the Light Side. Light Gaia comes thundering across the landscape, ready to nuke Dark Gaia.
(fade in on a scene crawling with bickering animals, each trying to kick the other out of whatever little cubbyhole they count as a home. DG and LG are both trying to look more intimidating than the other.)
LG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
DG: I GOT BORED. I'VE HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO GET THAT WAY...
LG: WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU DESTROYED EVERYTHING ON YOUR SIDE!
DG: HEY! IT'S MY JOB! 'SIDES, YOU DON'T LOOK ALL TOO HAPPY YOURSELF.
LG: WELL, MY SIDE *IS* GETTING PRETTY CROWDED.
DG: YOU *DO* REALIZE WHAT THIS IMPLIES?
LG: WELL, YES... AS MUCH AS WE LOATHE TO ADMIT IT, WE... WE... N..N..
DG: C'MON, OUT WITH IT!
LG: WE... NEE...NEED...EACH..O..OT......AUGH! I CAN'T SAY IT! GET BACK ON YOUR SIDE BEFORE I NUKE YOU!
DG: EGOTISTICAL SON OF A GOAT! I'LL SHOW YOU!
And so the Gaia Wars begin.
*****
Chapter 1
The Beginning
(Dark Gaia shows up and re-arranges the letters)
Chapter 1
Been Thinging
DG: SO SUE ME. I WAS MISSING A LETTER.
*****
(Scene: a bloody battlefield, covered with the dead bodies of knights. Some are clad in black armor; others in shining white armor. Only two knights are left standind, warily circling around, looking for an opening. Suddenly, the Black Knight charges the White Knight, swinging his sword.)
Black Knight: GYAAAAA!!!!!
(The White Knight ducks under the Black Knight's sword and backs away again.)
Black Knight: I should tell you, you cannot win.
White Knight: Well whyever not?
(they exchange a few blows, neither penetrating the other's guard)
Black Knight: Because, you see... I am INVINCIBLE!!!
White Knight: You're a looney.
(The Black Knight swings wide, and the White Knight strikes while he is still recovering. The Black Knight's arm is lopped off at the shoulder - blood spurts from the wound for a second or two.)
White Knight: Victory is mine! Now excuse me, I have more black knights to slay.
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
White Knight: A scratch? I cut your bloody arm off!
Black Knight: No you didn't!
White Knight: (points to the Black Knight's arm on the ground) Well, what's that then?
Black Knight: I've had worse.
White Knight: Liar.
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!
(They fight furiously for another ten seconds, when the White Knight executes a fantastic spincut and severs the Black Knight's remaining arm at the shoulder. The arm and sword fall to the ground.)
White Knight: (kneels) I thank thee, O Gaia, that...
Black Knight: Come on then!
White Knight: Wha~?
(The Black Knight kicks the White Knight a couple of times.)
White Knight: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Had enough?
White Knight: You moron! You haven't got any arms left!
Black Knight: 'Course I have.
White Knight: Look!!
Black Knight: (pauses for a second) It's only a flesh wound. (starts to kick the White Knight again)
White Knight: Stop that!
Black Knight: Had enough?
White Knight: I'll have your leg!
(The Black Knight kicks him again)
White Knight: Right! (swings his sword and chops off one of the Black Knight's legs)
Black Knight: (balancing with some difficulty) I'll have you for that.
White Knight: You'll... What?
Black Knight: Come here!
White Knight: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?
Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you!
(The White Knight chops off the Black Knight's remaining leg. His body falls, still managing to stay upright.)
Black Knight: All right, we'll call it a draw.
(The white Knight walks away, looking for more enemies)
Black Knight: Running away, eh? You yellow chicken! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'l bite your legs off!
(camera turns to see DG and LG watching the grisly scene)
LG: I win. Fork it over.
DG: Didn't you say if they DIED? I've still got one out there!!!
LG: Well, you cheated, so you lost anyways. Come on, a bet's a bet, fork it over!!
DG: Look! I think he's gonna win still! And you didn't say anything about not letting them being invincible!
LG: GRRRRR!
DG: *sigh* Ohhhh, alright.... (removes a finger and gives it to LG) grumble grumble hope you're happy growl grumble...
(fade out)
(Scene: Peaceful meadow. Flowers grow in profusion and a lone deer is contentedly chewing on foliage. Quiet music plays in the background)
Godzilla: ROOOOOAAARRRR!!!!!
(a giant, green, scaly foot drops onto a majority of the scene with a sickening crunch.)
DG: I won that time.
LG: Only because the people we asked thought Bambi was the epitome of good. And who would have thought they'd say Godzilla was the worst villain?
DG: Don't be a sore loser. Hand it over!
LG: *sigh* Ohhhh, alright.... (gives DG his finger back)
*****
So until next update! At the rate I'm going, that'll be... ohh... a month from now?
Write to:
Okay, so maybe I did steal blatantly from other sources. So sue me!
SparroHawc@hotmail.com
Then again, don't... I couldn't afford it.