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Prologue:
Ark woke up in the middle of the night. His clothes were wet from what he presumed to be sweat.
"Jesus, man, get a grip." he said to himself.
He glanced over to the nightstand and picked up the framed picture of Elle. He sat up in his bed
and stared into it with glass eyes. He rubbed her face nervously, thinking of the fun they had
and the memories. His hands shook with anxiety as the picture became a blurred vision. "Rrrggghh...."
he sobbed, "Why...why!! Why won't you LAY me!!!" He screamed at the photo as he threw it against
the wall.
An angry Frenchman next door pounded on the wall. "'Eyyyy! What iz zees?? You go to bed, no?
I've got zee work in zee morning!"
Ark apologized through the wall and went into the bathroom to wash his face. "Aw maaan...what's
wrong with you? You're the hero of the world...you've resurrected all seven continents etc etc..."
he stared blankly at his mirror image. "So why aren't you able to get the ladies?? I mean...those
three girls who you gave those clothes to...I mean...come on! Foursome right there!
Argh...Ok..Ok..Just breathe. Hoo..All right. I'm cool. I'm cool. Okay, Arky boy...You've
beaten countless monsters and even survived an avalanche. Now I know girl trouble is absolutely
nothing at all."
Ark let out a huge sigh of relief and went back to sleep. However, fifty minutes later he was
back up. Ark got out of bed and then got dressed. Ark left the Loire apartment complex around
3:46A.M. that night. However, he won't be coming back. His mission: to save the world from
evil... has been put on hold. Will he come back? Of course he will. But not until...
*insert SuperFly theme here*
************
Chapter 1: The Unnecessary Plumber Scene
*insert any techno/porno music here*
"All right, Madame. Eet's time for Pierre to...fix your pipes, n'est-ce pas?", a voice from the other side of the wall chuckled.
"Oooh, Pierre, you do what you have to do...ooo!" another voice giggled.
Ark recoiled away from the wall and then froze. He had an idea. He ran out of the stairwell and traced the room down the hallway. Apartment 2B. Ark didn't pay much attention to his conscious and peeked through the keyhole.
He could see a large man with his pants hanging down writhing around on the floor. "GEEEEEEEZ!!!!" Ark screamed in his head.
Suddenly the large man sat up, his face pointed towards the heavens, as he moaned loudly.
Splurt..SPLURT SPLURT!
A gush of goo went flying everywhere as the man let out a large sigh.
The woman Ark had heard now entered the room. "What eez this!? You've broken my sink! You are zee worst plumbair!"
The large man stood up with his pants around his ankles.
"And why are your pants on zee floor!?" she yelled.
"It helps me theenk."
Chapter 2: Stairwell to Heaven
*insert "Stairway to Heaven"*
Ark marched down the stairs happily until he encountered a retarded French hooker.
"Der...eet eez five gold for..uhh..six minuits, Zailoor Buy!" she laughed in accomplishment after reading off the small cue card.
"Not today you ugly skank! I'VE gone asexual!" Ark beamed.
For some odd reason she clapped for him, followed by all the drunks and homeless people on the stairwell that clapped for him as well.
Ark marched down the rest of the steps and then out the doors of the Loire apartment complex. Where was he going? Nobody knew. In fact, he probably didn't know either, but he had finally decided his future. He was through with women(and no he didn't turn gay!), and that's all that mattered. Into the night he disappeared and into the day he would never be seen again.
Chapter 3: The Takedown of Sylvain!
*insert "Die Monster Die"*
"Well I'll make sure she never bothers anyone ever again..cause..that's what ghosts do!" he decided as he began to whack away at anything breakable. He laughed defiantly as he tore down the paintings of the men he had given the "eyes" to, just a few weeks ago. He now popped out the jewels and dumped them into the magic box. "Let's see her be a queen when she's poor! Hahahaha!"
Suddenly, Ark was confronted by a very EVIL looking skeleton. "Here to fight are you! Well let's go!"
It just looked at him dumbfoundedly. "No I'm here to tell you to...SHADDUP!!! It's bad enough having to listen to those four idiots and their lame a** poem!!"
"Bah! I'll show you!!" Ark yelled as he jumped into the air and brought his pike down onto the very irritated skeleton.
It shattered into small fragments and Ark began his quest once again, running down the halls and smashing up as much as he could. He tore apart the books in the library and shredded the curtains and pushed statues down. Finally, his short journey came to an end as he neared the dungeon where he first had fought Bloody Mary.
"Woman! You..come out! Now I say!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.
Nothing.
"Yeah? Well...your kids..were...gay! yeah!" he began to laugh loudly.
A drunk could have done better.
Somehow, though, this struck a chord in Bloody Mary's spirit and she appeared. "Raaaargh!!"
"So! Come back for more eh? Well, I thought I taught you a lesson last time but if you wanna dance a second time!"
"YOU called ME!!!" she bellowed.
"Minor details! But it's time to fight!"
"Agreed!" Bloody Mary yelled as she charged Ark.
He quickly slid under her, kicking his foot out into her stomach. Of course, she's a ghost so it didn't work but good try!
She paused above him while he was still laying on the ground. She raised her staff and swung it down towards Ark. It barely missed his head. He was lucky to still be alive and with all his brains intact, but at the time he was felt even luckier to have gotten quite an eyeful. He was so stunned by this and due to his previous female withdrawal, he had a hard time making words. "GOOOOO!!!!!" he yelled as his eyes burst out of their sockets. "You got some big honkin' hooters for a dead chick!"
"You pig! I'll show you to your grave, scum!" Bloody Mary screamed in disgust.
She flew back and disappeared. The entire castle began to rumble as it collapsed on Ark. He had literally seconds to spare before he became a stain under 10 tons of rubble. However, he noticed that after his encounter with Bloody Mary he had trouble running, or walking for that matter. And jumped into the magic box. The castle crumbled and fell on top of it, but due to its longevity and indestructibility, Ark had still survived. He waited about half an hour before trying to get out. However, he found a bit of difficulty doing so and was forced to call on Yomi to help him.
"What'd you do!?!?" Yomi yelled in surprise.
"I kinda..tore down Sylvain!"
"Uh..." said Yomi, still a bit puzzled. "Okay, I won't ask. I really doubt that I'd wanna know anyway."
As Yomi teleported Ark and the magic box to safety he began questioning his own reality and even Ark's methods.
"What a freak." he thought to himself.
Chapter 4: Lurking in the Moonlight
*insert "Hungry Like the Wolf"*
"Cripes..am I doomed to failure?" he sadly thought aloud. "Am I only here on this world to be used as a tool!?"
He sobbed a bit. "Ark's have feelings too."
A twig snapped behind him.
Ark spun around, bringing his pike out in stance. "Who's there!" His face grew serious and dim. "Show yourself! I have no time nor patience to be out fighting anymore monsters tonight! So if you're not a beautiful woman, preferably with big booblies, then I suggest you go away."
Ark spotted a shadow from behind the trees. It was of a very curvy female figure. Ark's eyes widened as he put on a stupid looking grin. His macho appeal had been raised by twenty as he strutted on over. "Come on out, beautiful! Arky won't hurt ya!" His face flushed as his grin got bigger. "If ya play your cards right you may even win a dreamfilled night with yours truly, *fanfare* The Hero of the World!"
Meilin jumped out from behind the tree. "Promise!?"
Ark fell back and landed on his head. A bit shocked, a bit confused, and now sick to his stomach, Ark cracked out, "What do you think you're doing!?"
"Winning a dreamfilled night with the *fanfare* Hero of the World!"
"Ya know, it's not nice to play with people's emotions like that!"
"I'm sorry. But hey! Now we have each other right? You're alone out here and so am I!" she beamed.
"Urrrrggghhhh...."
Ark sighed and stood up. "All right..." He was beaten and possibly whipped. "Look, I'll let you spend the night at my place but THAT'S IT."
"You're the boss!"
She took his hand and skipped. Ark, with tears streaming, held his head down.
"Aww you shouldn't cry. I don't snore! Heehee!" she hugged him.
"Hrm.." he looked down at her and something inside him said, 'Go for it.' The other side, conflicting with the other, said, 'WTF!?'
Ark reached down and picked up Meilin. He sat her on his shoulders and continued walking. "Ugh...can it be that it's come to this!? No! I must fight it!" He put her back on the ground. "But then again...I'm sure she WANTS to.." The dark side seemed to say.
He put her back on his shoulders. "Arghhh!! What are you doing!? Do not succumb to such barbarics!" "No! Do it! You deserve it!" "No! Don't do it!" "Yes!" "No!" "Yes!" "No!"
Ark found himself shaking Meilin rapidly in an inner battle with his mind. He finally set her down on the ground. Confused, Meilin swerved around the avenue. "Come on." Ark motioned to her as he helped her through the doorway.
As the pair walked up the stairwell, they caught the attention of several bums and wynos. One of them grinned toothlessly at Meilin. "How old are ya, Sweetstuff?" She stared back blankly. "Ah...You seem to have lost a few baby teeth....so..." The drunk looked up at Ark. "Looks like my record still stands."
Ark felt ill and quickened his steps, leaving Meilin a hard time keeping up.
Chapter 5: Laid to Rest
*insert "Wisdom of the World"*
"Ah!" Ark sprang up. "I did it! I beat out women! I no longer need hormones to control me! No siree! For while most men will stay slaves to those hormones and the females who cause it; _I_ do not! For deep down I know that there is nothing truly special about women. They are not smarter or better at anything! The world we live in is a male dominated one because we successfully took control! Is it our fault if they are jealous? Of course not! And what are we obsessing over anyway!? What _actual_ good can come from two smelly flaps of skin that spray out even smellier liquids?? Nothing! That's what! Hahahaa! I've done it! I've beaten them at their own ga-"
The walls shook with several loud bangs. "Zut alors! Shut up all ready! I don't care if you are going zee way of Oscar Wilde!? I've got zee work! Now shut up!"
"I didn't say I was gay!" Ark yelled back.
He quieted himself as to not wanting to cause any further disturbances and instead did a small victory jig on the bed. Yes, Ark had done it. He had tamed the shrew that is the opposite sex and its strangle hold it had once held on him. And with that, Ark proudly put a cushion over Meilin's face...and smothered her.
The following was a product of TheGreatElBobo! It is NOT meant to be taken seriously. Just something I wrote to poke fun at the recent pervs we've been getting at the board lately.