Chapter 1: Sockmonkey Mystery Theater

Cast:
Ark-Samuel L. Jackson(cause he's awesome)
Elle-the crazed hobo who lives in our basement
Meilin-Denise Richards
Yomi-the corpse of John Candy on a rope
Elder-Poppin' Fresh
Narrator-Vincent Price

The Place:
Streets of Loire. Midnight.

Narrator: Two young lovers out for a date,
               But will Ark ever go all the way?

Ark: Come on, ^%@##! Let's get movin'!

Elle: Zungawaaaaaaahh! Fiiiiiishsticks!!!!!

Ark: What? it's not scary out here! Come on! I'll walk you home. Let's take the ominous long route home.

Narrator: And at the stroke of the Witching Hour,
               Begins the most horrific experience ever
               As the time draws near
               So does fear....

(music tempo blares up)

Elle: Wackatoopy Shirley Temple!! Depends on your face!

Ark: Oh you know what to always say. Now let's get home and get funky!

(They walk out into the streets.)

(music tempo blares up louder as zombies approach them from all directions)

Ark: Oh %@##!!! Now what!?

Elle: Econ! Talkin' bout Econ!

(zombies get closer as Elle looks around and sees Ark has turned into a zombie)

(funkalicious music blares up over tempo as Ark and zombies dance around)

Narrator: And the time will come when the victim waits
               But all the while the master baits...that's it I quit. I'm going to go and fake my death again.

Ark: Cause it's the Filllller
        Fillller yeah
        Something to waste your time
        It don't even have to rhyme
        Just some Fillller
        Useless Fillller
        Pops up out of nowhere
        Over and over there
        You know you want to go
        But you've been brainwashed
        By the filler filler filler
        ow!
        (music blares up more)
        Spillers
        Spillers on sale
        For 12.99
        It's only haaaaalf price yeaaah
        Spillers
        Spillers coff-ee
        Will never burn your crotch
        So you'll never have to eat
        Chilllllers
        Chillers from Mott's
        Frozen and delicious
        Rotselom dlihc i
        Oh crap did that slip out?
        I guess I'm sued again
        But I'll just
        Settle
        Settle yeah yeah
        I can do whatever I can
        Cause I'm not even a man
        I'm a thing-a-
        Thing-a-majigger
        Not black or white
        Or guy or girl
        Just some freak who
        Thinks he's 6 years old
        And hangs around with chimps

Elle: LKJHUGOFDYIEUWMNSBDIHG@W!!!!!!!!

Ark: AIEEE! Bubbleth thave meeeee!!!

Bubbles: %^$@ off, &$@^*!!!!!

Orson Welles: And so draws near the end of our tale. Goodnight. Mm...Chillers....gurgle glargh...

Apology: Sorry all. That last part was a bit awkward. Mr. Jackson seems to have gotten TOO into character. Eeep!